All posts tagged: Splitting

I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me

I’ve had a person from my past recently attempt to make contact with me again. My mind instantly jumps to the usual thoughts: “They’re poison. They’re subhuman trash. They have nothing to contribute to society. They’re completely worthless.” This person, my ex-companion, wronged me so they shall forever live in my mind as a sort of gollum: repulsive, ugly, and banished from living in the sunshine of my mind. It’s not that I think in extremes, this person deserves that label. They caused me pain. A decent person would never, EVER have done anything to cause me pain. Good people don’t do that. This person is clearly no good. Every good deed, gentle word, tender moment together, they were all part of a masterfully crafted ruse to disguise their inner ugliness. Shrewd devil, I saw right through you. And yet, somehow I feel inferior to the non-accomplishing zero that seems to have replaced me. I can’t not be the best. I can’t just be ‘superior to them in so many ways’. I have to be …

“Ghost Of Myself” : Paralyzed

Often there are times I feel like I just can’t go on. Going in spirals around myself. I get triggered. Lately it’s the slightest things and I’m in the “Bermuda Triangle”. Things out of my control. It feels like nothing is in my control. My feelings, my thoughts… just everything. Especially what happened to me. I can’t get it out of my head. I’d give anything to erase it, but I know I can’t. I’m waking up in cold sweats. Shortness of breath. Letters and numbers and flashes. All I remember. Broken shards of reflection from my brain. It won’t let me. Do I really want to remember? Who would? I become prone to shock inside my own fear. And there I am and I can not move. Does anyone else feel this way? How long to do I have to feel this?.. I used to self-medicate. I used to be prescribed anxiety medication. Now, I drink on occasion… but that’s it. Have I ever been this sober in my life? It’s different here in …

“Unseen And Unheard” : From Another Planet

It is said that we are like chameleons. Can adapt to any role… with any crowd, as scared as we are of the crowd. But that is exactly why we do this. It’s why I do. One minute I can be the life of the party and the next you may see me standing in the corner observing, so unseen. As to avoid being attacked. Life is like this. People are like this. And sometimes I don’t want to be a chameleon at all. Sometimes I don’t want to just blend in. Sometimes I just want to be normal. Have normal emotions. Have normal reactions and thoughts. But what is normal but just another stereotype? What if we are the normal ones? But considered aliens. So foreign. They don’t understand us. But we understand them. Probably better than they will ever understand themselves. This is our dilemma. This is our unseen battle. Probably the kindest people you will ever meet while that kindness is mistaken for so many other things. Accused of attacking while feeling …

BPD Voices Project: Myself

From the BPD Voices Project: Can I speak about myself. I’m amy wood, since being young I have always been “different”… I always longed for a Dad mum daughter family. But my parents were separated, I consistently was told “your mum did this.. Bla bla bla ” from the age of 8/9 then I asked her being told this by a dad loved dearly about a mum I love dearly too made me conflicted and it understand who to trust. When confronted my mum responded “that’s a load of crap he did this yanno… Bla bla bla” and so on… I then went through a rollercoaster relationship with my dad and it’s resulted in him severly mentally abusing me. I now am scared to listen or believe any thing any one says no matter how close they are. There’s a side to me I don’t recognise, I have so much built up thrustration and have gone down bad paths to manage it. Alcohol from being 12/13 was my best friend. Then it was boys too …

Ask about BPD: Relationship cycle

Ask About BPD Today’s question is being answered by Kayla. I have a question. I have a loved one with this illness. I love her dearly but she’ll go weeks, sometimes months without talking to me. I think she’s a caring individual but is battling herself. I give her space but I do worry about her. She is medicated but still self-harms. I validate her and have educated myself. I am just wondering if I am going down a dead end road. This is a tough one. I’ve struggled with this before, too. I have a close friend who I sometimes don’t see or talk to for months at a time. Part of BPD is unstable relationships. We want people around but want to be alone at the same time so we often go back and forth from being super social to total isolation. Part of it is the aspect of BPD called splitting, or black and white thinking. We go up and down a lot. Another part that it ties into is the pushing-away-the-people-we-care-about-most. …

Ask about BPD: When others do not understand

Ask about BPD Why is it so hard for people to understand what a nightmare BPD is? How it affects your everyday life. With major depression as well. It’s a total nightmare. Given up on psychiatrists, they don’t help and medication doesn’t work. No wonder people self medicate. Thanks for listening, Frustrated Thank you Frustrated, It can be frustrating to experience the stigma and misunderstand that comes with BPD. As we struggle for wellness we want people to see how far we have come and encourage us to continue on our journey. Unfortunately, some people do not, and will not, understand your battle. They are unable to understand we have a recognized, yet invisible, debilitating disorder. Inability to Cognitively redefine a person: When we begin our path to wellness we must understand that others may be unable, or unwilling, to cognitively redefine us. People with BPD often go for years undiagnosed. In that time our family and friends have learned to define us by our actions and mis-actions. They have hard wired their definition of …

Ask About BPD: Splitting and Forgiveness

Ask About BPD – Splitting Dear Ask about BPD, If you’ve been diagnosed with BPD you know what splitting is and how it is something that is prevalent. How do you avoid letting it happen? And once it does, is there anyway to bring yourself around to forgiving the other person? Thank you, Split Dear Split, I can sense your frustration with the feature of splitting, but if you will bear with me a few paragraphs I am going to explain the feature to those who may not know what splitting is or why it happens. Splitting it is where a person divides the world into a polarization of beliefs by focusing selectively on either their negative or positive attributes: black and white, all good or all bad, everything or nothing. Splitting is a very common defense mechanism. It diffuses the anxiety that comes from our innate human inability to comprehend the complexities of a given situation. Splitting compartmentalizes a situation in ways that make it easier for our brains to process. Everyone has something …