All posts tagged: pain

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The Beauty in Destruction

“Later that night I held an atlas in my lap, ran my fingers across the whole world and whispered ‘where does it hurt?’. It answered everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.”-Warsan Shire I’ve always found inspiration in nature. A tree growing out of a boulder can be a quiet example of resiliency and fortitude. A river slowly carving a canyon through a mountain over the course of millennia can be seen as a lesson in patience. Both of these seemingly small forces of nature are entirely unaware that they create a permanent change in the landscape around them. Nature proves that life is struggle, and that beauty comes from that struggle. I found myself seeking retreat in nature again this weekend. My heart broken, and filled with negativity, I set out for a weekend of hiking. I chose hikes known for their steep grades and drop offs because in my mind, this just might be my last day on earth. Onward I trudge, my usual delight with hiking replaced by a crushingly persistent internal dialogue constantly reminding me …

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My Saving Grace

I wrote this poem as a tribute to the person I hurt the most whilst being hospitalised and losing myself and my mind completely. Though, in my mind, I had treated her as badly as you could treat another human being, not for one second did she ever consider giving up on me. She was my saving grace. This is for her and all the other friends and family who have had to witness their loved ones going through what some of us can only describe as hell and not being able to stop the pain. In this small patch of sunlight, I feel myself grow. I think of you often, and more than you know. I silently thank you for holding my hand, while I clung to a thread with my head in the sand. I searched for some peace and I pleaded my case, while my spirit dissolved in this pitiful place. Meanwhile, I watched your heart in suspense, in me, you struggled to find any sense. Wild eyed and raging, I ran …

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“Firewall” : Tic Toc

  I feel sad, but I feel numb. If I feel numb, how can I feel at all? Is the only reality I’m to know just filled with philosophy and metaphors instead of reality at all? Is the life in my head the only one there truly is? I’ve become the Quiet Borderline. It’s all internal from here. No more lashing… or hurting with my words. No more words at all. Just existing. This is my world. Trying to live in it instead of just existing but ALWAYS, falling short. Always falling period. Straight into the middle of a whirlpool and into another dimension where NOTHINGNESS is all I become. How is that fair? I didn’t ask for even more abuse or to be re-traumatized. I certainly didn’t deserve it. Or did I? I was finally okay again. I was finally okay. And now, I may never know okay again… just floating and drowning at the same time, being sucked away. Lifeless. It’s been 4 months. Why does it still feel like 4 seconds? I …

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“MAKE-UP”

   I feel like it’s the end, then the beginning And I’m all over the place I feel like I am just spinning In an empty space One minute, I am winning Now I am losing the race I thought I was grinning But I cannot embrace This is just a headache That I cannot erase I look for the break But I fall to my face I’m running towards the line But does it exist? I thought I was just fine But I have bleeding wrists Tell me it’s just a dream So I can wake up Life can’t be this mean There must be a hiccup Is this what it seems? Can I have a make-up?

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“Unseen And Unheard” : From Another Planet

It is said that we are like chameleons. Can adapt to any role… with any crowd, as scared as we are of the crowd. But that is exactly why we do this. It’s why I do. One minute I can be the life of the party and the next you may see me standing in the corner observing, so unseen. As to avoid being attacked. Life is like this. People are like this. And sometimes I don’t want to be a chameleon at all. Sometimes I don’t want to just blend in. Sometimes I just want to be normal. Have normal emotions. Have normal reactions and thoughts. But what is normal but just another stereotype? What if we are the normal ones? But considered aliens. So foreign. They don’t understand us. But we understand them. Probably better than they will ever understand themselves. This is our dilemma. This is our unseen battle. Probably the kindest people you will ever meet while that kindness is mistaken for so many other things. Accused of attacking while feeling …

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“Unstable Mind” : A Maze

I woke up this morning so nauseous. So anxious. It’s like broken shattered shards of glass internally immobilizing me. Waking up from nightmares and fears of abandonment with tears wanting to pour out except they won’t. Instead they bleed inward… as I feel like I’m drowning in my own emotions of not feeling good enough. Always feeling second. It feels like dying to me. But I know to most stable people it does not. I want to scream and shout. I want to fall into someone’s arms, anyone’s arms and be held until it feels okay again. But will it feel okay? Will it ever feel okay? Will I always be second guessing myself because of the past? I feel as though even without the past I was born this way. With attachment issues. I still have Selective Mutism. It comes and goes where I am just afraid to speak at all. And I can’t. That is when I feel myself writing. Writing until I feel okay again, just for a little while. I was …