All posts tagged: mental health

I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me

I’ve had a person from my past recently attempt to make contact with me again. My mind instantly jumps to the usual thoughts: “They’re poison. They’re subhuman trash. They have nothing to contribute to society. They’re completely worthless.” This person, my ex-companion, wronged me so they shall forever live in my mind as a sort of gollum: repulsive, ugly, and banished from living in the sunshine of my mind. It’s not that I think in extremes, this person deserves that label. They caused me pain. A decent person would never, EVER have done anything to cause me pain. Good people don’t do that. This person is clearly no good. Every good deed, gentle word, tender moment together, they were all part of a masterfully crafted ruse to disguise their inner ugliness. Shrewd devil, I saw right through you. And yet, somehow I feel inferior to the non-accomplishing zero that seems to have replaced me. I can’t not be the best. I can’t just be ‘superior to them in so many ways’. I have to be …


The Beauty in Destruction

“Later that night I held an atlas in my lap, ran my fingers across the whole world and whispered ‘where does it hurt?’. It answered everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.”-Warsan Shire I’ve always found inspiration in nature. A tree growing out of a boulder can be a quiet example of resiliency and fortitude. A river slowly carving a canyon through a mountain over the course of millennia can be seen as a lesson in patience. Both of these seemingly small forces of nature are entirely unaware that they create a permanent change in the landscape around them. Nature proves that life is struggle, and that beauty comes from that struggle. I found myself seeking retreat in nature again this weekend. My heart broken, and filled with negativity, I set out for a weekend of hiking. I chose hikes known for their steep grades and drop offs because in my mind, this just might be my last day on earth. Onward I trudge, my usual delight with hiking replaced by a crushingly persistent internal dialogue constantly reminding me …

A photo by Caleb George.

Carers support vs “consumers” support.

Lately I have been at conflict regarding the amount of support available for “carers” vs the support available for people with Borderline Personality Disorder (labeled here as “consumers”). To be honest, the amount of services and groups (support and otherwise) available to people caring for someone with BPD greatly outweighs anything available for us. It is easy for carers to get caught up in the whole “needing help to deal/cope” with someone with BPD thing, yer it is easier still for people with BPD to feel helpless, when there are currently not significant services available to treat their associated needs properly. Helplessness in BPD people breeds disaster, we all know this, feelings of helplessness, neglect, isolation and rejection can result from lack of good service, and yet seeing the people who “care” for them access services instead can also make them feel vulnerable, rejected, and angered at the state of affairs. The whole thing is a mess really – pathways do not exist for BPD diagnosed individuals – we are given a diagnoses and told …

letting go

The Illusion of Safety

“Well don’t talk about it, write it down, but don’t ask for help, But I can’t be honest with even myself, Did you ever wish you were somebody else?” –‘The Difference Between Medicine and Poison is the Dosage’-Circa Survive I spend a lot of time inside my own head. Not in any deliberate attempt to come across as ‘mysterious’ or ‘brooding’, but simply because it’s familiar and I find a sense of security in the familiar. When I stop and actually listen to my internal dialogue I find that most of my time is spent ruminating on the past, catastrophizing present and possible future events, and always-ALWAYS-finding ways to undermine any and all bright spots and accomplishments of my life. The flaws in this logic of sticking to the familiar are glaringly obvious but even still, I tell myself it’s safer than people. After all, who can you really trust with a past you’re ashamed of? It seems to me that snap judgments are more regularly made nowadays than in the past and pack mentalities run …

head and heart

My beginning

This is only my second post on this site– the first post that isn’t in the Ask About BPD segment, so I wanted to share some of my story. I call it the beginning only because this chain of events is what forced me into treatment. I’m sure that over time I’ll divulge information that predates the events detailed below. We’ll call those prologues when we get to them. For now, I’d like to share a post from a personal blog of mine. I started this blog because I wanted people to know they weren’t alone. When I started my journey I couldn’t find anyone who seemed to think and feel as I did–I felt that I was truly alone. That was before I discovered this lovely Blog and associated Facebook page, of course. I hope you will read this with an open mind. Boy, am I far from perfect and I hope that if you don’t relate to my story you will at least withhold judgement. Trigger warning! This entry discusses intense feelings of …


Ask About BPD: Self Medication

Ask About BPD: I have a question… why is the only thing that seems to make my son seem half normal to self medicate. When he is stoned he seems to manage so well and seem so at peace and able to cope.. but as soon as his buzz wears off he is crazy angry again ;-( It’s a lose lose situation it seems ….   I’m assuming that the drug in question is marijuana, so I will base my answer on that. Self medicating is not uncommon amongst people suffering from any number of the many varieties of disorders that fall under the depression umbrella, especially those of us living with BPD. Nearly half of those diagnosed with BPD have histories of substance abuse disorder, a shockingly high number, though slightly less surprising when you consider that one of the most common characteristics of BPD is a lack of impulse control.   Why Cannabis: One would seem to be hard-pressed to find a high-strung marijuana user–not to say that they don’t exist (I work …

cover front

Simple Pages for Simple Mindfulness: Coloring book

We have made a coloring book called: Simple Patterns for Simple Mindfulness. Simple Patterns for Simple Mindfulness is a collection of simple stress free coloring pages anyone and everyone can enjoy. This book is for those who feel that tangle pages are too busy or feel overwhelmed by large and intricate adult themed coloring pages. Simple Patterns for Simple Mindfulness allows you to achieve the relaxation that the hobby of adult coloring has to offer! All proceeds from the sale of this book go to fund programs here at BPD Pieces of Me. Click here for our coloring book