All posts tagged: internalizing

BPD Voices Project: When we Meet Again

When we meet again by Melanie Carrillo When we meet again you will say hello I will hear goodbye. When we meet again you will say I look lovely I will hear I have gotten old. When we meet again you will talk for hours about nothing I will pretend every word I hear is deep and profound. When we meet again you will say I love you I will hear I promise to love you for a little while, on my terms, or not at all. When we meet again I will know it is you who have gotten old Know we have become nothing but absent minded words and false love. So I leave saying Until we meet again. When we meet again, you will say it’s been too long I will hear I have changed. When we meet again, you will say how beautiful I am I will hear you see things anew. When we meet again you will ask me to talk for hours about nothing I will hear every response …

“Firewall” : Tic Toc

  I feel sad, but I feel numb. If I feel numb, how can I feel at all? Is the only reality I’m to know just filled with philosophy and metaphors instead of reality at all? Is the life in my head the only one there truly is? I’ve become the Quiet Borderline. It’s all internal from here. No more lashing… or hurting with my words. No more words at all. Just existing. This is my world. Trying to live in it instead of just existing but ALWAYS, falling short. Always falling period. Straight into the middle of a whirlpool and into another dimension where NOTHINGNESS is all I become. How is that fair? I didn’t ask for even more abuse or to be re-traumatized. I certainly didn’t deserve it. Or did I? I was finally okay again. I was finally okay. And now, I may never know okay again… just floating and drowning at the same time, being sucked away. Lifeless. It’s been 4 months. Why does it still feel like 4 seconds? I …

“Unstable Mind” : A Maze

I woke up this morning so nauseous. So anxious. It’s like broken shattered shards of glass internally immobilizing me. Waking up from nightmares and fears of abandonment with tears wanting to pour out except they won’t. Instead they bleed inward… as I feel like I’m drowning in my own emotions of not feeling good enough. Always feeling second. It feels like dying to me. But I know to most stable people it does not. I want to scream and shout. I want to fall into someone’s arms, anyone’s arms and be held until it feels okay again. But will it feel okay? Will it ever feel okay? Will I always be second guessing myself because of the past? I feel as though even without the past I was born this way. With attachment issues. I still have Selective Mutism. It comes and goes where I am just afraid to speak at all. And I can’t. That is when I feel myself writing. Writing until I feel okay again, just for a little while. I was …