All posts tagged: fighting

My Saving Grace

I wrote this poem as a tribute to the person I hurt the most whilst being hospitalised and losing myself and my mind completely. Though, in my mind, I had treated her as badly as you could treat another human being, not for one second did she ever consider giving up on me. She was my saving grace. This is for her and all the other friends and family who have had to witness their loved ones going through what some of us can only describe as hell and not being able to stop the pain. In this small patch of sunlight, I feel myself grow. I think of you often, and more than you know. I silently thank you for holding my hand, while I clung to a thread with my head in the sand. I searched for some peace and I pleaded my case, while my spirit dissolved in this pitiful place. Meanwhile, I watched your heart in suspense, in me, you struggled to find any sense. Wild eyed and raging, I ran …

“Firewall” : Tic Toc

  I feel sad, but I feel numb. If I feel numb, how can I feel at all? Is the only reality I’m to know just filled with philosophy and metaphors instead of reality at all? Is the life in my head the only one there truly is? I’ve become the Quiet Borderline. It’s all internal from here. No more lashing… or hurting with my words. No more words at all. Just existing. This is my world. Trying to live in it instead of just existing but ALWAYS, falling short. Always falling period. Straight into the middle of a whirlpool and into another dimension where NOTHINGNESS is all I become. How is that fair? I didn’t ask for even more abuse or to be re-traumatized. I certainly didn’t deserve it. Or did I? I was finally okay again. I was finally okay. And now, I may never know okay again… just floating and drowning at the same time, being sucked away. Lifeless. It’s been 4 months. Why does it still feel like 4 seconds? I …

“Fighting Yourself” : Finding Yourself

All the things that we project inside and outside of our mind matter. What we say… what we feel… what we think… what we do. It all matters. Go outside and tell me what color the sky is. Mine is purple with tints of blue and orange with a beautiful sun rising. Would I feel this way if I weren’t in a good mood? Would it then be black… with tints of white? Today I feel great watching the sun rise. …But when I am not feeling so cheery, the sun would be too bright and I would want to go back inside. I slept well, and today I feel productive. Today… that is what matters. I try not to think too hard about yesterday and tomorrow is already today. This moment is what matters. I used to dread waking up. Dealing with the world and all of its non-beauty. Dealing with myself. Then I started learning that I am just not alone in all of this madness. Others feel defeated. Others want to scream …