All posts tagged: crossroads

The Beauty in Destruction

“Later that night I held an atlas in my lap, ran my fingers across the whole world and whispered ‘where does it hurt?’. It answered everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.”-Warsan Shire I’ve always found inspiration in nature. A tree growing out of a boulder can be a quiet example of resiliency and fortitude. A river slowly carving a canyon through a mountain over the course of millennia can be seen as a lesson in patience. Both of these seemingly small forces of nature are entirely unaware that they create a permanent change in the landscape around them. Nature proves that life is struggle, and that beauty comes from that struggle. I found myself seeking retreat in nature again this weekend. My heart broken, and filled with negativity, I set out for a weekend of hiking. I chose hikes known for their steep grades and drop offs because in my mind, this just might be my last day on earth. Onward I trudge, my usual delight with hiking replaced by a crushingly persistent internal dialogue constantly reminding me …

My Saving Grace

I wrote this poem as a tribute to the person I hurt the most whilst being hospitalised and losing myself and my mind completely. Though, in my mind, I had treated her as badly as you could treat another human being, not for one second did she ever consider giving up on me. She was my saving grace. This is for her and all the other friends and family who have had to witness their loved ones going through what some of us can only describe as hell and not being able to stop the pain. In this small patch of sunlight, I feel myself grow. I think of you often, and more than you know. I silently thank you for holding my hand, while I clung to a thread with my head in the sand. I searched for some peace and I pleaded my case, while my spirit dissolved in this pitiful place. Meanwhile, I watched your heart in suspense, in me, you struggled to find any sense. Wild eyed and raging, I ran …

BPD Voices Project: When we Meet Again

When we meet again by Melanie Carrillo When we meet again you will say hello I will hear goodbye. When we meet again you will say I look lovely I will hear I have gotten old. When we meet again you will talk for hours about nothing I will pretend every word I hear is deep and profound. When we meet again you will say I love you I will hear I promise to love you for a little while, on my terms, or not at all. When we meet again I will know it is you who have gotten old Know we have become nothing but absent minded words and false love. So I leave saying Until we meet again. When we meet again, you will say it’s been too long I will hear I have changed. When we meet again, you will say how beautiful I am I will hear you see things anew. When we meet again you will ask me to talk for hours about nothing I will hear every response …

“Ghost Of Myself” : Paralyzed

Often there are times I feel like I just can’t go on. Going in spirals around myself. I get triggered. Lately it’s the slightest things and I’m in the “Bermuda Triangle”. Things out of my control. It feels like nothing is in my control. My feelings, my thoughts… just everything. Especially what happened to me. I can’t get it out of my head. I’d give anything to erase it, but I know I can’t. I’m waking up in cold sweats. Shortness of breath. Letters and numbers and flashes. All I remember. Broken shards of reflection from my brain. It won’t let me. Do I really want to remember? Who would? I become prone to shock inside my own fear. And there I am and I can not move. Does anyone else feel this way? How long to do I have to feel this?.. I used to self-medicate. I used to be prescribed anxiety medication. Now, I drink on occasion… but that’s it. Have I ever been this sober in my life? It’s different here in …

“Firewall” : Tic Toc

  I feel sad, but I feel numb. If I feel numb, how can I feel at all? Is the only reality I’m to know just filled with philosophy and metaphors instead of reality at all? Is the life in my head the only one there truly is? I’ve become the Quiet Borderline. It’s all internal from here. No more lashing… or hurting with my words. No more words at all. Just existing. This is my world. Trying to live in it instead of just existing but ALWAYS, falling short. Always falling period. Straight into the middle of a whirlpool and into another dimension where NOTHINGNESS is all I become. How is that fair? I didn’t ask for even more abuse or to be re-traumatized. I certainly didn’t deserve it. Or did I? I was finally okay again. I was finally okay. And now, I may never know okay again… just floating and drowning at the same time, being sucked away. Lifeless. It’s been 4 months. Why does it still feel like 4 seconds? I …