All posts tagged: bpd suicidal thoughts

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The Beauty in Destruction

“Later that night I held an atlas in my lap, ran my fingers across the whole world and whispered ‘where does it hurt?’. It answered everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.”-Warsan Shire I’ve always found inspiration in nature. A tree growing out of a boulder can be a quiet example of resiliency and fortitude. A river slowly carving a canyon through a mountain over the course of millennia can be seen as a lesson in patience. Both of these seemingly small forces of nature are entirely unaware that they create a permanent change in the landscape around them. Nature proves that life is struggle, and that beauty comes from that struggle. I found myself seeking retreat in nature again this weekend. My heart broken, and filled with negativity, I set out for a weekend of hiking. I chose hikes known for their steep grades and drop offs because in my mind, this just might be my last day on earth. Onward I trudge, my usual delight with hiking replaced by a crushingly persistent internal dialogue constantly reminding me …

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My beginning

This is only my second post on this site– the first post that isn’t in the Ask About BPD segment, so I wanted to share some of my story. I call it the beginning only because this chain of events is what forced me into treatment. I’m sure that over time I’ll divulge information that predates the events detailed below. We’ll call those prologues when we get to them. For now, I’d like to share a post from a personal blog of mine. I started this blog because I wanted people to know they weren’t alone. When I started my journey I couldn’t find anyone who seemed to think and feel as I did–I felt that I was truly alone. That was before I discovered this lovely Blog and associated Facebook page, of course. I hope you will read this with an open mind. Boy, am I far from perfect and I hope that if you don’t relate to my story you will at least withhold judgement. Trigger warning! This entry discusses intense feelings of …

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“Ghost Of Myself” : Paralyzed

Often there are times I feel like I just can’t go on. Going in spirals around myself. I get triggered. Lately it’s the slightest things and I’m in the “Bermuda Triangle”. Things out of my control. It feels like nothing is in my control. My feelings, my thoughts… just everything. Especially what happened to me. I can’t get it out of my head. I’d give anything to erase it, but I know I can’t. I’m waking up in cold sweats. Shortness of breath. Letters and numbers and flashes. All I remember. Broken shards of reflection from my brain. It won’t let me. Do I really want to remember? Who would? I become prone to shock inside my own fear. And there I am and I can not move. Does anyone else feel this way? How long to do I have to feel this?.. I used to self-medicate. I used to be prescribed anxiety medication. Now, I drink on occasion… but that’s it. Have I ever been this sober in my life? It’s different here in …

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“MAKE-UP”

   I feel like it’s the end, then the beginning And I’m all over the place I feel like I am just spinning In an empty space One minute, I am winning Now I am losing the race I thought I was grinning But I cannot embrace This is just a headache That I cannot erase I look for the break But I fall to my face I’m running towards the line But does it exist? I thought I was just fine But I have bleeding wrists Tell me it’s just a dream So I can wake up Life can’t be this mean There must be a hiccup Is this what it seems? Can I have a make-up?

get over it

BPD Voices Project: Just Get Over It.

I am 35 and I am sick. My head hurts, my body hurts, I can’t eat most days and would do almost anything for a good nights sleep. I used to see my father and grandfather walking like old Jews and would laugh, now I have to laugh at the fact that I too walk like an old Jew. I have a medicine cabinets a small shop in Mexico would die for. It has everything I need to make “make me well,” but the side effects make me ill. What I have is not making me die any quicker than I already am. I have BPD with depression, and anxiety, and chronic pain caused by fibromyalgia and a mysterious disease. But people do die from my dis-ease, it’s called suicide, and we even have survivors. I am going to be a survivor! Even though I have vowed to myself this is something I will die with, and not of, doesn’t mean I can just get over it. I can’t say, “well this was fun lets …

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Ask About BPD: Suicidal Ideation

Today’s question: Hi. I’m struggling to help my partner who has a diagnosis of BPD. He’s expressing suicidal thoughts and he won’t allow me to be there for him, when that’s all I want to do. I was wondering if you could possibly give me any advice on how to help him? It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your question. Perhaps one of the most confusing and frightening aspects of BPD is suicidal ideation. BPD is the only personality disorder to have suicidal ideation as a criterion for diagnosis. 70% of us will have at least one serious attempt on our live and 10% of us will be successful. It is important to take all threats seriously, but sometime talk is just talk. A lot of times we really don’t want to die. We want someone to listen and understand. You can do this by validating the pain he is in, validating his thoughts, and reminding him that although all thoughts are valid not all thoughts are real. The most common warning signs …