All posts tagged: black and white

“Spinning Out” : Not Always Grey

  Having Borderline Personality Disorder absolutely drives me insane. In fact I’m sure that my disorder absolutely drives everyone else crazy too. Right when you start to think you’ve found that happy medium… some sort of balance… well right then is when it seems to fall the hell apart. I think… I’m good and just maybe the madness is finally ending. Except it never ends. It’s okay for a little while. But when it finally starts falling apart again it’s a downward spiral right …back to black. There is not even white. It’s just not always Grey. No matter how much you wish it will be. First I explode once and then the dominoes just start tumbling like the speed of light. But just like it’s not always okay and certainly not always Grey… it’s not always bad either.  No matter how perfect the storm appears to be. So I lost control. What can I do? Try to make it right and do better. And just hope that next time you fall apart it wont …

“Fighting Yourself” : Finding Yourself

All the things that we project inside and outside of our mind matter. What we say… what we feel… what we think… what we do. It all matters. Go outside and tell me what color the sky is. Mine is purple with tints of blue and orange with a beautiful sun rising. Would I feel this way if I weren’t in a good mood? Would it then be black… with tints of white? Today I feel great watching the sun rise. …But when I am not feeling so cheery, the sun would be too bright and I would want to go back inside. I slept well, and today I feel productive. Today… that is what matters. I try not to think too hard about yesterday and tomorrow is already today. This moment is what matters. I used to dread waking up. Dealing with the world and all of its non-beauty. Dealing with myself. Then I started learning that I am just not alone in all of this madness. Others feel defeated. Others want to scream …

“Unseen Divinity” : Hope

Living with a disorder that makes you question every bit of your sanity is just insanity. Everyday I wake up and it’s the same battle. Do I even want to wake up? Is it even worth waking up? All it takes is the slightest thing to change that. I walk outside and the sun shines down on me, and suddenly I am in a state of Euphoria. It’s like God himself reaches down and touches my shoulder and says “Mary, it’s going to be a good day.” And so it is. the rest is uphill from there. But then there are the times when I wake from a nightmare and cold sweats and the devil grabs ahold of my tender soul and precedes to tell me I am nothing and I am worthless. Ironically someone else usually ends up telling me the same thing on the same day and from there I am just in hell. A hell I have created for myself. If you build the hell then you can navigate it right? No… …