All posts filed under: Melanie’s Voice

skin-back

Melanie’s Voice: No Emotional Skin.

I read an article that said people like me, people with BPD, have no emotional skin. I think that’s false. I do have emotional skin, but it’s a lot like my true skin. Some areas are great and others are covered in sores. Some people find these sores and they have a way of picking at them, boring holes in them, making the scares worse, until I can’t take it anymore and I lose it. Outbursts Rage. Silence. Indifference. Did they see it coming? Maybe? Maybe not. But for whatever reason once the reset button is pushed, the I hate you, I love you, don’t leave me cycle is complete, they go right back to the sore and finish where they left off and the wound never gets a chance to heal. If they are around long enough, pick at my weaknesses and faults long enough, the wound will be too deep, and I might never heal.

hair

Melanie’s Voice: What My Hair Taught me about BPD

Hows is hair like BPD? I have curly hair. Most people don’t. Society says people with curly hair are messy, scattered, and untrustworthy. So when I was a child I tried everything to have straight hair: Sleeping with it pulled back tight in a braid. Gels. Mouse. Straightening shampoo. Hot irons. Cemical processing. The products worked, but you could always tell my hair was not quite straight. By the end of the day it would frizz out. The products and heat dried it to a lack luster brown. Then I became a mom. I had no time for anything, let alone caring for my hair, so I let my fro fly free. Wash. Brush. Ponytail. Done. It was long and unruly and I was sick. One day I got tired of it and shaved it off. Short hair was the ultimate wash and go look. But, honestly, I looked like a cancer patient. I guess that’s what I wanted, for everyone to see I was sick and connect it to something they could relate to. I …

meet again

BPD Voices Project: When we Meet Again

When we meet again by Melanie Carrillo When we meet again you will say hello I will hear goodbye. When we meet again you will say I look lovely I will hear I have gotten old. When we meet again you will talk for hours about nothing I will pretend every word I hear is deep and profound. When we meet again you will say I love you I will hear I promise to love you for a little while, on my terms, or not at all. When we meet again I will know it is you who have gotten old Know we have become nothing but absent minded words and false love. So I leave saying Until we meet again. When we meet again, you will say it’s been too long I will hear I have changed. When we meet again, you will say how beautiful I am I will hear you see things anew. When we meet again you will ask me to talk for hours about nothing I will hear every response …