Author: Nate

Ask about BPD: Dissociation, Derealization and Depersonalization

Does anyone else feel like life almost isn’t actually happening? Like you’re a part in a movie, playing out a role, following a script & switching to different “characters” based on your mood? To answer your question briefly, yes. In fact, many of us face these feelings at some point in our lives. The feeling that you can’t possibly be living out the current situation in ‘real life’ is actually more common than you might think. Oftentimes, this happens when the reality we’re faced with disagrees with the reality we hope for. If you’re a fan of reading subtitles for the entire duration of a movie, Guillermo del Torro wrote and directed a brilliant portrayal of this very premise with his 2006 film Pan’s Labyrinth. Without giving up any spoilers, the basic premise is that a young Spanish girl named Ofelia finds herself escaping to an eerie fantasy land to play out the part of a legendary lost princess. Even though these feelings of derealization and depersonalization are often brought on in response to trauma …

I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me

I’ve had a person from my past recently attempt to make contact with me again. My mind instantly jumps to the usual thoughts: “They’re poison. They’re subhuman trash. They have nothing to contribute to society. They’re completely worthless.” This person, my ex-companion, wronged me so they shall forever live in my mind as a sort of gollum: repulsive, ugly, and banished from living in the sunshine of my mind. It’s not that I think in extremes, this person deserves that label. They caused me pain. A decent person would never, EVER have done anything to cause me pain. Good people don’t do that. This person is clearly no good. Every good deed, gentle word, tender moment together, they were all part of a masterfully crafted ruse to disguise their inner ugliness. Shrewd devil, I saw right through you. And yet, somehow I feel inferior to the non-accomplishing zero that seems to have replaced me. I can’t not be the best. I can’t just be ‘superior to them in so many ways’. I have to be …

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The Beauty in Destruction

“Later that night I held an atlas in my lap, ran my fingers across the whole world and whispered ‘where does it hurt?’. It answered everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.”-Warsan Shire I’ve always found inspiration in nature. A tree growing out of a boulder can be a quiet example of resiliency and fortitude. A river slowly carving a canyon through a mountain over the course of millennia can be seen as a lesson in patience. Both of these seemingly small forces of nature are entirely unaware that they create a permanent change in the landscape around them. Nature proves that life is struggle, and that beauty comes from that struggle. I found myself seeking retreat in nature again this weekend. My heart broken, and filled with negativity, I set out for a weekend of hiking. I chose hikes known for their steep grades and drop offs because in my mind, this just might be my last day on earth. Onward I trudge, my usual delight with hiking replaced by a crushingly persistent internal dialogue constantly reminding me …

letting go

The Illusion of Safety

“Well don’t talk about it, write it down, but don’t ask for help, But I can’t be honest with even myself, Did you ever wish you were somebody else?” –‘The Difference Between Medicine and Poison is the Dosage’-Circa Survive I spend a lot of time inside my own head. Not in any deliberate attempt to come across as ‘mysterious’ or ‘brooding’, but simply because it’s familiar and I find a sense of security in the familiar. When I stop and actually listen to my internal dialogue I find that most of my time is spent ruminating on the past, catastrophizing present and possible future events, and always-ALWAYS-finding ways to undermine any and all bright spots and accomplishments of my life. The flaws in this logic of sticking to the familiar are glaringly obvious but even still, I tell myself it’s safer than people. After all, who can you really trust with a past you’re ashamed of? It seems to me that snap judgments are more regularly made nowadays than in the past and pack mentalities run …

head and heart

My beginning

This is only my second post on this site– the first post that isn’t in the Ask About BPD segment, so I wanted to share some of my story. I call it the beginning only because this chain of events is what forced me into treatment. I’m sure that over time I’ll divulge information that predates the events detailed below. We’ll call those prologues when we get to them. For now, I’d like to share a post from a personal blog of mine. I started this blog because I wanted people to know they weren’t alone. When I started my journey I couldn’t find anyone who seemed to think and feel as I did–I felt that I was truly alone. That was before I discovered this lovely Blog and associated Facebook page, of course. I hope you will read this with an open mind. Boy, am I far from perfect and I hope that if you don’t relate to my story you will at least withhold judgement. Trigger warning! This entry discusses intense feelings of …

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Ask About BPD: Self Medication

Ask About BPD: I have a question… why is the only thing that seems to make my son seem half normal to self medicate. When he is stoned he seems to manage so well and seem so at peace and able to cope.. but as soon as his buzz wears off he is crazy angry again ;-( It’s a lose lose situation it seems ….   I’m assuming that the drug in question is marijuana, so I will base my answer on that. Self medicating is not uncommon amongst people suffering from any number of the many varieties of disorders that fall under the depression umbrella, especially those of us living with BPD. Nearly half of those diagnosed with BPD have histories of substance abuse disorder, a shockingly high number, though slightly less surprising when you consider that one of the most common characteristics of BPD is a lack of impulse control.   Why Cannabis: One would seem to be hard-pressed to find a high-strung marijuana user–not to say that they don’t exist (I work …