A Word of warning – if you’re feeling at all dapper or cheerful about 2016’s upcoming Christmas, most likely not a good idea for you to continue any further… Christmas’s have always been a very bad time for me. I was never “allowed” to have them as a kid, and I have grown up not celebrating those or Birthdays (birthdays were also a forbidden thing). With every coming Xmas, it seems my insides begin to turn even more than the previous one, with the oncoming explosion of ridiculous festivities, “family get-together” and everything else that encompasses the “stupid season”. For someone like myself who identifies Christmas and Birthdays with trauma, bad times and loneliness, it’s upsetting and triggering to see so many people “faking” it every year just for the sake of the family or friends that they feel they need to impress in order to fit in. Growing up, Christmas was something I dreaded every fucking year, it made me feel sick and empty inside every year – sometimes weeks prior to it …
People often say they (or someone they know) are “having an identity crisis”. The true meaning of an identity crisis though can mean different things for different people.
Bess was a good companion. She was very loyal, very trusting, but she hated my Mother from day one, even when she was a puppy – she knew what type of person my mother was, and steered very clear of her.
In my experience, having respite before I have become unwell would have…well, prevented me from becoming unwell to begin with, and made a big difference to my overall mental health and well-being.
When abuse began to instil itself into my life, I began to write about it also, but these writings had to be kept secret, much like the abuse itself. If anybody found what I’d written, I would surely be punished further.
Although I have often been asked about my attraction to darker literature, films, music and people in general, I have never really given it much thought (in terms of where BPD is concerned). Growing up, I was always a considered a bit “strange” or “weird” by my peers – other kids were reading “Dick and Jane” books, yet as early as the age of 7-8 I was engrossed by Stephen King, Dean Koontz and others. I was engulfing these books at a pretty rapid rate, and instead of using my school library, I would go to the local public library to get my fix (school didn’t cater for me). Horror films started earlier, my parents being the way they were, would let my brother and I watch whatever we liked, alone (or often while they were doing other things around the house). We purchased our first VHS recorder when I was 4-5 years of age, in 1979-1980, and that was a great time for films (horror in general), and some of the first films I …
Lately I have been at conflict regarding the amount of support available for “carers” vs the support available for people with Borderline Personality Disorder (labeled here as “consumers”). To be honest, the amount of services and groups (support and otherwise) available to people caring for someone with BPD greatly outweighs anything available for us. It is easy for carers to get caught up in the whole “needing help to deal/cope” with someone with BPD thing, yer it is easier still for people with BPD to feel helpless, when there are currently not significant services available to treat their associated needs properly. Helplessness in BPD people breeds disaster, we all know this, feelings of helplessness, neglect, isolation and rejection can result from lack of good service, and yet seeing the people who “care” for them access services instead can also make them feel vulnerable, rejected, and angered at the state of affairs. The whole thing is a mess really – pathways do not exist for BPD diagnosed individuals – we are given a diagnoses and told …
Recently I have thought about the differences and the significance’s between Borderline and autism.
For me, Loneliness has been there from day one really. I can remember my first day of school, and how my mother tried to convince me that it “didn’t matter if I had friends or not”, little did I know, she was probably psychologically pre-conditioning me for what was to happen
In my experience, I was never someone who “responded” well to medication in order to change my behaviour (quite the opposite really). I’ve been on every drug known to man (and some quite unknown), but all of them carry side-effects which outweigh any kind of benefit that they may offer (most have none), so (for me), they’re not even an option and have not been for many years now.