Author: Mary L. Whitaker

“SURVIVE”

  September is Suicide Awareness Month. And today marks 15 years since my first suicide attempt. The irony huh? I went on to try about 10 more times after that. I even tried about 4 months back. But no-one knows. People think we just want attention. But if that’s the case then how come no-one knew about half of my attempts until now? I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want attention. I just wanted out. What kind of pain have you experienced? Have you ever wanted to kill it with other pain? I have. So many times. Sometimes with a razor blade… sometimes with a bottle… sometimes with a pipe… so many different ways to try to make it all go away but in the end the only way to make it go away is to face it head on. And that’s what I do everyday. I get up and face it. Sometimes just by getting out of bed. Others by going and taking a walk. Most days just by being kind to …

Refusing to conform…

I feel like… I really need a friend right now so I’m turning to the one thing that can’t reject me. My soul. My writing. Selective Mutism Disorder. Thinking back I had it when I was in kindergarten. But back then… disorders werent really disorders. Just behaviors people would chalk up to being socially inept or shy. I was in speech because I wouldn’t talk. But even as a little kid I knew… it wasn’t just because I wouldn’t talk. It was because I couldn’t. Words wouldn’t come out. I was silent. Unless I whispered in my teacher’s ear. I guess I trusted her. But I was always off by myself. And I was always getting my mom to come up there. A million different reasons. Stomachache was always the main one. I felt safe with her there. This guy used to punch me in my stomach almost everyday. Just once. But no-one believed me. My brother waited with me one day but he never showed. I guess I started to feel like I deserved …

A trip back and trying to carry on…

That feeling when you can’t breathe. And you can’t speak. And you lose strength as the tears fall. And you couldn’t even feel it coming. You just want them to stop except everything inside falls beneath your eyes instead… And sounds gently mutter out of your mouth as you try to pull it together because it’s time to get on a bus and go complete your task. Wipe away the tears but they keep falling. People staring.. Barely holding it together. You step on and you stare at your reflection and you see nothing. You feel nothing. Everything changing but everything the same. You think… And you can’t hold on anymore to that which isn’t there. So much that just isn’t there in your life anymore… And so much that never was… And so many more things being born and ready to prime in this undiscovered life of yours.. But so much pain before the rose blossoms.. So many emotions you just can’t understand. You’re judged and put in a box instead… of being recognized …

“From The Other Side” : Coming back

I look back on my life and I realize that I have lost so many people. Many I have lost and I grieve over their deaths. And I would do anything to have them back again. But I know I can’t. The rest I lost because of me. So I say some things just aren’t in our control but the saddest of fact remains… some things are. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. And even though I know it is not my fault, that I have ended up this way… some of the dearest people I have ever known are just gone. By my own hand.. not physically of course but by my words. Words I can never take back. I was in a place of displacement. I had so much anger and resentment inside of me. Such pain. I looked for so many people to take it away so I would never have to feel it again. Any of it. Instead I caused them the pain and anguish that I, myself was feeling. So now I know I must move …

“Ghost Of Myself” : Paralyzed

Often there are times I feel like I just can’t go on. Going in spirals around myself. I get triggered. Lately it’s the slightest things and I’m in the “Bermuda Triangle”. Things out of my control. It feels like nothing is in my control. My feelings, my thoughts… just everything. Especially what happened to me. I can’t get it out of my head. I’d give anything to erase it, but I know I can’t. I’m waking up in cold sweats. Shortness of breath. Letters and numbers and flashes. All I remember. Broken shards of reflection from my brain. It won’t let me. Do I really want to remember? Who would? I become prone to shock inside my own fear. And there I am and I can not move. Does anyone else feel this way? How long to do I have to feel this?.. I used to self-medicate. I used to be prescribed anxiety medication. Now, I drink on occasion… but that’s it. Have I ever been this sober in my life? It’s different here in …

“WILDFIRE”

These wounds are not Wounds you can see But still They are inside of me So sealed Only I can see Unfulfilled It’s treachery Burning my skin so deep Yearning for a memory to keep Show me a sign And I’ll show you the words You say it’s benign I say you’re all absurd I’m still crying And so unheard Living but dying Like a broken – winged bird Trying to find strength To fly again Searching for length To try again Flapping Up and down Trapping me At the slightest sound The little fears Keep coming around Followed by tears Kicking me down And no-one Hears a sound The tree falls And I am crippled The little bird calls And the drops of blood are trickled No-one sees at all It’s just too fickle. You can’t hear the fall But I feel the thistle. And it’s madness. Like a wild fire…

“Firewall” : Tic Toc

  I feel sad, but I feel numb. If I feel numb, how can I feel at all? Is the only reality I’m to know just filled with philosophy and metaphors instead of reality at all? Is the life in my head the only one there truly is? I’ve become the Quiet Borderline. It’s all internal from here. No more lashing… or hurting with my words. No more words at all. Just existing. This is my world. Trying to live in it instead of just existing but ALWAYS, falling short. Always falling period. Straight into the middle of a whirlpool and into another dimension where NOTHINGNESS is all I become. How is that fair? I didn’t ask for even more abuse or to be re-traumatized. I certainly didn’t deserve it. Or did I? I was finally okay again. I was finally okay. And now, I may never know okay again… just floating and drowning at the same time, being sucked away. Lifeless. It’s been 4 months. Why does it still feel like 4 seconds? I …

“MAKE-UP”

   I feel like it’s the end, then the beginning And I’m all over the place I feel like I am just spinning In an empty space One minute, I am winning Now I am losing the race I thought I was grinning But I cannot embrace This is just a headache That I cannot erase I look for the break But I fall to my face I’m running towards the line But does it exist? I thought I was just fine But I have bleeding wrists Tell me it’s just a dream So I can wake up Life can’t be this mean There must be a hiccup Is this what it seems? Can I have a make-up?

“Spinning Out” : Not Always Grey

  Having Borderline Personality Disorder absolutely drives me insane. In fact I’m sure that my disorder absolutely drives everyone else crazy too. Right when you start to think you’ve found that happy medium… some sort of balance… well right then is when it seems to fall the hell apart. I think… I’m good and just maybe the madness is finally ending. Except it never ends. It’s okay for a little while. But when it finally starts falling apart again it’s a downward spiral right …back to black. There is not even white. It’s just not always Grey. No matter how much you wish it will be. First I explode once and then the dominoes just start tumbling like the speed of light. But just like it’s not always okay and certainly not always Grey… it’s not always bad either.  No matter how perfect the storm appears to be. So I lost control. What can I do? Try to make it right and do better. And just hope that next time you fall apart it wont …

“Unseen And Unheard” : From Another Planet

It is said that we are like chameleons. Can adapt to any role… with any crowd, as scared as we are of the crowd. But that is exactly why we do this. It’s why I do. One minute I can be the life of the party and the next you may see me standing in the corner observing, so unseen. As to avoid being attacked. Life is like this. People are like this. And sometimes I don’t want to be a chameleon at all. Sometimes I don’t want to just blend in. Sometimes I just want to be normal. Have normal emotions. Have normal reactions and thoughts. But what is normal but just another stereotype? What if we are the normal ones? But considered aliens. So foreign. They don’t understand us. But we understand them. Probably better than they will ever understand themselves. This is our dilemma. This is our unseen battle. Probably the kindest people you will ever meet while that kindness is mistaken for so many other things. Accused of attacking while feeling …