Mary's Voice
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“SURVIVE”

 

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September is Suicide Awareness Month. And today marks 15 years since my first suicide attempt. The irony huh? I went on to try about 10 more times after that. I even tried about 4 months back. But no-one knows. People think we just want attention. But if that’s the case then how come no-one knew about half of my attempts until now? I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want attention. I just wanted out. What kind of pain have you experienced? Have you ever wanted to kill it with other pain? I have. So many times. Sometimes with a razor blade… sometimes with a bottle… sometimes with a pipe… so many different ways to try to make it all go away but in the end the only way to make it go away is to face it head on. And that’s what I do everyday. I get up and face it. Sometimes just by getting out of bed. Others by going and taking a walk. Most days just by being kind to myself and realizing that I may not have everything I want but I have everything I need. Right in front of me. We yearn for things to take away the pain when in reality what we really need to do is simply allow ourselves to feel it just as it is without judgment. We crave to be validated by and remembered by others but the greatest power we have is to validate and love ourselves. Remember ourselves. And none of us want to feel alone in this waging war. But let me tell you, you are far from being alone. I’m not afraid to speak when others are unable to. I drown and bleed at the very least once a day. The world ends and in return I want to end myself.  But these feelings do pass. We are all in this as a united front. Keep fighting and don’t ever give up. WE ARE ALL JUST TRYING TO FIND THE NEXT WAY TO SURVIVE AND IT IS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP. I did, and I am once again because I have fallen off track. Just remember, it’s never too late, to get back up and try again.

YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

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#KeepFightinG

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I am a writer. I am an artist. I love people. And understanding human behavior has become a hobby. It becomes imperative when you're trying to understand your own. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. To me, it means many things. On some days it means the most extraordinary imagination one could have. On other days it means it is the absolute end of the world when that vision gets distorted and dismissed. Sometimes I feel like it is the best part of me and sometimes I feel like I wish I had never been born. Some days it is pure black and some days pure light. I have a daily battle to find my Grey; my middle ground. It is not just a diagnosis. It's a state of mind. But this is not all that I am. I am still discovering myself one wonder at a time.

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