BPD Voices Project, Living With BPD, Monique's Voice.
Comments 14

Just let me write

I haven’t written in a while. I’m not sure if this is something I should be apologising for. Part of me feels that I should, as I am sorry for most of the things that I do, or in this case didn’t do. The other part of me feels as though it doesn’t matter if I apologise or not because nobody actually cares. My apology will float away and get sucked up in some black vacuum as though it never existed in the first place.

A few months ago someone lashed out at a piece of writing I had published. As much as I tried to understand their reaction and their perspective and why they wrote what they did, it didn’t hurt any less and I allowed them to make me question myself and whether or not I had the right to feel the things that I feel, let alone write about them. I write so other people can feel less alone because I know how terrible it is to feel lonely. I write so I too can feel less alone. Maybe that’s selfish of me but I will keep writing all the same because it might be the only thing that saves me.

It’s been a long time since I have felt safe. Since someone has made me feel as though I am making some kind of difference, as though I’m making some kind of permanent dent on this earth. It’s hard to imagine that when I go I will leave some kind of legacy, some kind of mark, especially considering I feel so undeniably forgettable in this life. As I walk the Sydney streets, people push past me, bumping my shoulders as I try and creep by unnoticed. Nobody sees me and I try not to see them. I keep my head down, my eyes focussing on the pieces of chewed up gum that have been there so long they have turned black. As I walk, I scream in my head. I yell and I scream and I’m surprised that no one can actually see or feel my simmering hatred that surrounds me like some kind of devilish halo.

It was four years ago that I stood quietly at the nurse’s station when a fist of a stranger flew by and knocked me clean to the ground. I remember the white,hot pain and the infinite bewilderment that struck me as I sat, crumpled on the floor. Four years on and I pass the homeless on every street corner. If they are sitting down with their empty coffee cups, my heart breaks and I linger in confusion, wondering what to do. Most times I walk away without doing anything, ashamed that I’m lucky enough to have coins in my own purse. When they are standing up, when they walk past me, I imagine they will lash out and hit me square in the face, making that thunderous smack that still echoes for miles and miles in my head.

I am at work now and I will smile a brilliant smile, feeling myself push a sparkle to the surface of my eyes because I want to save everyone. I will dive into the water without hesitation and with complete disregard of the fact that I myself have forgotten how to swim. I smile because I want to make it clear that no one should feel responsible for my loneliness, even out of obligation. They say to me ‘you’re always smiling’, and I will smile for them for as long as they need me to though my insides are screaming for them to turn and walk away so I can at least find some peace in my loneliness. Though it seems that their inadvertent insults bounce like rubber off my skin, in truth these invisible-insult-spores seep in through my pores and blacken my blood with their toxic waste. I walk back and forth from my desk to the kitchen, making cup after cup of tea in the hope that it will somehow shorten the hours that I spend here.

I make no plans for the future because I may disappoint you and I feel as though I am already disappointment enough.

Please don’t mock me or tell me to calm down or cry you a river. Just let me write so I can at least find peace in my loneliness.

by

I am a writer, a lover, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an auntie, a derailed artist, a comic, a traveller, and a person living with BPD. I hope that my writing and my experiences are a reminder that you're not alone. Just one day at a time.

14 Comments

  1. saadahkent says

    Keep writing and remember that if people lash out at your writing it’s because it touches a raw nerve. Please yourself and don’t try to please people. Take care of yourself. You matter!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Monique,

    Please, please don’t feel that you’re alone with these feelings. I have BPD and Dissociation and when I read your blog post, I cried, both for you and also for the fact that you have echoed my thoughts and feelings almost to the word. I understand the need to matter, to please people so that you receive the approval that you can’t give yourself and that hurts. We fear rejection and abandonment so much that it hurts when nobody ‘likes’ or comments on our blogs – it really hurts and yes, it does matter to us – it matters a lot.

    I’ve recently been thinking of closing my blog down because only one or two people bother to read it, or want to read it and that makes me feel absolutely rubbish. But, like you, I need to write sometimes – it’s the only way I can express my true feelings or escape my mind because, unlike you, I publish under a pseudonym. I am not brave enough to be the me in the real non-Wordpress world although ‘Ellie’ has become more of a correct and accurate ‘personality’, so much so that I have come to prefer being ‘Ellie’ rather than being my birth name.

    Like you, I can put a smile on for the world but it is far from the truth and what’s really going on in my head. You are brave, also, to share your photograph – you are a beautiful, kind and courageous person and please don’t ever feel you’re alone because I wish I could meet you in real life. Do keep writing, Monique – you are worth it – you matter – you are appreciated, certainly by me. Sending you warm hugs.

    Love Ellie xxx ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Monique Potter says

      Dear Ellie,
      Wow, that’s the nicest comment anyone has ever written. Thank you so much. That means the world to me. And reblogging? Wow again. That is so kind and generous and thoughtful of you. You’re a good person, Ellie. Whether we blog under our own name or by another name, it’s still brave to share your thoughts with the world, knowing that anyone can lash out at any time but doing it anyway. I’m so glad that my words have made you feel less alone. That’s such a comfort to me. I’m happy to help in any way I can. Thanks for actually taking the time to read my writing. I appreciate it so much. Please take care of yourself. Meanwhile I will definitely subscribe to your blog. One day at a time. Be simple, be honest, be kind. Much love, Mon xxx

      Liked by 2 people

  3. P.S. I rarely reblog posts but you have touched me so much and made me feel that maybe, I’m not alone after all. You have echoed my feelings exactly and I’d like to reblog this piece because there is no way I can express my feelings so accurately and I so appreciate you writing this. Take care, Ellie xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on Elliesofia and commented:
    I read this blog post today and it touched me so deeply that I decided to reblog it (something I rarely do). Monique reflects my own feelings about myself and my blog, so much so, that I couldn’t express this better if I’d written it myself. Please take the time to read this – Monique shares so much of what I’d like to say and has a really heartfelt and honest way of expressing herself. I wish I’d had the talent and courage to write this. All credit to Monique Potter xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Monique Potter says

      Thanks so much for your words daisy. I like the way you think. I should take that on. My blog. My rules. Thank you xx

      Liked by 2 people

      • Other people don’t know you and say things that are just their opinions. More people will get you than those who don’t. Forget the ones who don’t -let them go on their own path xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Monique Potter says

        You’re so right. They don’t know me. The ones that do are the ones who I want surrounding me. 😊

        Like

  5. Writing is very healing, and nobody can write a book that’s universally loved–not even the Bible can claim that. I’m also working on accepting that some people will think what I write is garbage, no matter how hard I try to make it otherwise. Keep on writing. The positives outweigh the negatives. This is your mark on the world. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Monique Potter says

      Thanks for your words, Cathleen. You’re right. It is our mark on the world, and that is enough 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Scott Heath says

    Keep writing, Monique. I recently (just this morning) posted a piece on here relating to why I write, and also detailing how many people have tried to prevent me from using writing as expression and self-therapy. Keep doing what you do, you’re very good at it.

    Like

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