Month: March 2016

You need to go home

‘I have a bone to pick with you’, she said. She didn’t know that no one ever picked my bones and nobody ever dared preface a sentence with those ugly words. It’s the ‘but’ that comes with the ‘no offence’. It’s the ‘however’ that trails the ‘thank you’. ‘Do you mind if I ask…?’…. Yes. Yes, I do mind. I do mind if you ask. Leave those hellish words at home. I never said you could invite them. You’ve all come back to me. Why all of you at once? A table for seven please. The strangers we dine amongst tonight know nothing of the company I keep. The company I keep know even less. They don’t mind that I’m tired and tender and that I want to be left alone. They don’t particularly care. It’s about the view from under my eyelids. It’s about getting me to talk. For every hole they dig, I match them with another layer of skin.¬† For every loose string they tug, I pretend to throw them a bone …

I was never any good at farewells

It is that time of the year again when summer has all but gone and the autumn leaves find their way to the ground. Time doesn’t stand still for me to say a definitive goodbye but then I was never any good at farewells. As new people enter my life, my trust remains my property only and I learn quickly that my investment in people can’t be matched by the offer of soaring highs and fleeting fires that pass by in such haste that they hardly warm my skin. I have stopped making promises I can’t keep and I expect no promises in return. I can’t shake this feeling that somehow I’m a bad person and a terrible human being. Nobody told me that happiness was mythical. I might stay here awhile and continue cutting the ropes. Continue breaking the ties and inadvertently burning the bridges that I’ve struggled so long to keep upright, and for all the wrong reasons. I stand quietly on my side of the world and watch the foundations crumble. The …

The Illusion of Safety

“Well don’t talk about it, write it down, but don’t ask for help, But I can’t be honest with even myself, Did you ever wish you were somebody else?” –‘The Difference Between Medicine and Poison is the Dosage’-Circa Survive I spend a lot of time inside my own head. Not in any deliberate attempt to come across as ‘mysterious’ or ‘brooding’, but simply because it’s familiar and I find a sense of security in the familiar. When I stop and actually¬†listen to my internal dialogue I find that most of my time is spent ruminating on the past, catastrophizing present and possible future events, and always-ALWAYS-finding ways to undermine any and all bright spots and accomplishments of my life. The flaws in this logic of sticking to the familiar are glaringly obvious but even still, I tell myself it’s safer than people. After all, who can you really trust with a past you’re ashamed of? It seems to me that snap judgments are more regularly made nowadays than in the past and pack mentalities run …