The cracks in the day began in the early hours of the morning. The sun didn’t rise in its usual way and my body lay motionless with only a dull pulse beating under a shroud of darkness. I look away to mask the secrets that are somewhat hidden behind my eyes. I tread quietly but my shadow falls too loudly, too suddenly, disturbing the peace. I have swallowed my own voice. Noises flow by in tiny murmurs. Sounds that were once words but misplaced their significance somewhere along the way. Our roads merge and diverge without warning and without reason, while our minds wind their way through the unknown.
Even though my eyes are closing, my fingers still itch to write. The blood of my ancestors ripples through me and I write by the light of their departed stars. Their light flickers over the places that I cover up with solid smiles and murky reasoning, but with open arms and good intentions, I make my way across these deep and uncharted waters, because….well, because that is all I can do.
I draw a blank as to when or how I got to this place, but ‘why’, well I taste the ‘why’ as if it were a bee stinging my tongue. The fathers in my life are disappearing and without a choice, I must change gears. I embrace the change so my heart and my mind do not need to go into overdrive. I can sail smoothly, I can slow down. I can go where the wind takes me without that sickening fear that I am going to a place I shouldn’t. I can push all those burnt bridges from my memory and today the world doesn’t need to be on fire.
I need to breathe again. I need to be again. Stand my ground and swim the sea again. Learn to walk again, maybe even love again……. Lungs full of air and wanting to care again. Let the days lead us kindly to another, let the sun stain our faces and let our minds unearth a stillness that has never been touched.
(Illustration by Saadah Kent)