I wrote this poem as a tribute to the person I hurt the most whilst being hospitalised and losing myself and my mind completely. Though, in my mind, I had treated her as badly as you could treat another human being, not for one second did she ever consider giving up on me. She was my saving grace. This is for her and all the other friends and family who have had to witness their loved ones going through what some of us can only describe as hell and not being able to stop the pain.
In this small patch of sunlight, I feel myself grow.
I think of you often, and more than you know.
I silently thank you for holding my hand,
while I clung to a thread with my head in the sand.
I searched for some peace and I pleaded my case,
while my spirit dissolved in this pitiful place.
Meanwhile, I watched your heart in suspense,
in me, you struggled to find any sense.
Wild eyed and raging, I ran and I fell.
I landed face down in this sweet private hell.
I tried to get up but the waves dragged me down,
so I wandered the halls in a cold cotton gown.
I lost all my senses, my rights and my mind.
My actions weren’t measured, but still so unkind.
I cannot erase, rewind or press pause,
but i pray that you’ll see that I’m not a lost cause.
I refuse to let go or give up on this fight,
my knuckles translucent and holding on tight.
The same grip you had on me, drowning at sea,
even though you could recognise nothing in me.
I write this in silence; a shaking of hand.
Free falling from somewhere. Who knows where I’ll land.
I do know for certain the sting of this climb,
but I’m taking it all one day at a time.
I hope that in time you forgive me my faults,
my flaws and my shame and my thoughtless assaults.
I know you need time, some air and some space,
but never forget – you are my saving grace.