BPD Voices Project, Monique's Voice.
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BPD Voices Project: Monique

From the BPD Voices Project:

I polish all the tools and skills I am armed with, to know that the feelings are only visitors. They come and go, even on days where I feel like they’ve made themselves at home and seem ready to move in. ‘They are only here for a short stay’ I whisper into my pillow. Never have anyone tell you your feelings aren’t real. They are as real as the sun rises every morning. Sometimes I am sad for no reason at all, but feeling sad doesn’t mean we will never be happy. Feelings are only feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. I am at peace with this cloak I have draped over my shoulders. I do not question its existence because I could search every corner of the universe and still be no closer to finding an answer. I don’t need an answer but I do need a solution. I have spent many years learning how to tame the beast inside me. Sometimes it’s just the tiniest of actions or the whisper of words and all of a sudden I’ve grabbed onto something, a speck of something and before I know it, I can feel it crawl beneath my skin.

How you say a word, what you put before or after it can make the sentence choke you or merely pass you by. We have to remind ourselves that we don’t see things as they are. We see them as WE are. Sometimes the words cut into my flesh that is already missing several layers of skin. I bleed, but the bleeding stops. And the beauty is, I know that it stops. I cry a thousand tears with the pain of an army of sorrows, but the tears stop. And the beauty is, I now know that they will stop. I can’t stop the pain of a thousand knives but I am wise enough to know that the stabs become pin pricks and then a tingle and then they disappear. The more the tears are ignored, the longer they will stay. If you take the tears and acknowledge them, indulge them, though they feel insatiable, they will soon find another home.

Anais Nin once wrote:
‘I despise my own hypersensitiveness, which requires so much reassurance. It is certainly abnormal to crave so much to be loved and understood.’

I read this and I smile because it is the truth, my truth, and so many other people’s truths, and all I can do is laugh because the absurdity of our states of mind come to light, and I can only love them and laugh.

My feet are planted firmly on the ground but I accept the moments where I feel like the beast is breaking me, because I know it is just passing through. Just saying hello. A friend I love to hate. I accept these moments because I know the beast won’t break me.

~Monique

Sydney, Australia

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