Month: January 2016

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The Fear of Feeling

Every so often, nights will come where I lay wide awake gripped in fear. Tonight I lose countless hours to nothing else but the fear of feeling. Tonight, the fear is so strong that I pray to whatever higher power might exist, and I beg not to feel. The things I would give up, the things I would sacrifice in this moment, if only I didn’t have to feel.  I find myself negotiating with the higher powers. Bargaining. I’ll swap out the ecstasy of love to never again feel the bone crushing pain that comes when someone lets your heart bleed out. It feels more like making a deal with the devil. Why is it more often a someone, than a something? People are hell. Paradise and hell. That’s what people are made of.  At least give me a heart of stone. I want to reach inside and disconnect the wires in me. I want to cut them with a certainty that they will never be rejoined again. That they won’t come back to life …

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The Beast In Me

It seems strange to me that for some people, today is just like any other day. Waking up to the same sky, the same noises, sipping the same cup of tea. Today, for me, is not like any other day. Today I wake up with my head running a million miles an hour. No matter how many spanners I try to throw into the spinning wheels, the cogs keep on turning. I can feel the grind in my head and I’m all too aware that if the noise continues, the beast inside me will stir. She’s always there, lurking in the background, reminding me that what goes up, must come down. Today I feel her tired eyes beginning to open. Though her lids are heavy, she fights the goodness that I am trying to latch on to, but she is stubborn and without reason her eyes fly open like a tired child refusing to sleep. She has been paying me visits more often these days. She drags my racing heart into my throat and I …

Monique

The Darker Days

All that was tangible a few days ago has slipped like ashes through my finger tips. The faces and the names have disappeared and the sounds I heard as the sun rose and set each day have faded away and all I am left with is the dull thud of a giant heart that has nothing left to give. I write and I write until my finger tips are stained with ink from the moments where I have paused to think. I’m sitting under a palm watching my family in the water. I hang on tight like a torn appendage and I feel more alone than ever. I can’t remember the moment when I stopped caring but I do remember the moment I knew that people’s words were really just words. Meaningless words. No one says what they mean anymore. Perhaps like the ones I’m writing. Floating about in the Sydney sky. You may say that I’m not alone ten thousand times over but only I can make that call. I get tired of helping …

Monique

My Saving Grace

I wrote this poem as a tribute to the person I hurt the most whilst being hospitalised and losing myself and my mind completely. Though, in my mind, I had treated her as badly as you could treat another human being, not for one second did she ever consider giving up on me. She was my saving grace. This is for her and all the other friends and family who have had to witness their loved ones going through what some of us can only describe as hell and not being able to stop the pain. In this small patch of sunlight, I feel myself grow. I think of you often, and more than you know. I silently thank you for holding my hand, while I clung to a thread with my head in the sand. I searched for some peace and I pleaded my case, while my spirit dissolved in this pitiful place. Meanwhile, I watched your heart in suspense, in me, you struggled to find any sense. Wild eyed and raging, I ran …

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Living with BPD: Behind Every Excuse is the Real Reason

Today we are rebloging a post from Love on a Border by Carrissa Wright http://loveonaborder.blogspot.com.au/2016/01/behind-every-excuse-is-real-reason.html Tuesday, 5 January 2016 Behind every excuse is the real reason One of the things that I’ve recognised as a differentiator between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the presence of excuses, whether it’s yours and/or theirs. In the worst of situations where you may be denying, rationalising, and minimising, you may even be making excuses for their excuses which only goes to show how poor the original excuse was. Just like how on the other side of a jumped boundary lies disrespect, on the other side of an excuse often not only lies at least some element of disrespect but also the real reason. An excuse is a reason that is given to justify an offence or fault but its primary purpose is to lessen responsibility by getting you to overlook, excuse, or even forgive off the back of it. This of course is rather tricky because when there’s excuses it means that any commitment is being lessened, which means …

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Fundraiser: Simple Coloring for Simple Mindfulness

Hi Everyone! My goal for this year is to establish BPD Pieces of Me as a non-profit organization that offers peer mentoring and life coaching for recovery. To do this I need to raise funds, and have decided to do so by designing a coloring book titled: Simple Coloring for Simple Mindfulness. The book consists of about 60 pages of simple repeating patterns and basic shapes (see samples below.) I designed it as an alternative for those who are overwhelmed by the complexity of most adult coloring books. The format is electronic (PDF you print yourself) and the cost is $10 with all money going to fund BPD POM programs. If you are interested, please email us at BPDPiecesofMe@gmail.com

Monique

BPD Voices Project: Monique’s Voice

From the BPD Voices Project: I am not sure who I am writing this to. Perhaps myself. Perhaps to you. Perhaps to no one at all. Everyone is moving on. The world is moving on. It turns and turns without me. Spinning on its axis as it has done for billions of years. I am drifting in the wake of my own big bang. I am stranded in time. I’m breathing what was long-ago and merely existing in the future. My body floats above everyone, and my insides hide away in a crevice of the past. I am smiling and hoping for everything to end. I am deleting history. I am handing out the last rose. I am lying in the sun, the white sheet beneath my burning body. I’m searching for someone who can fill the gaps. I find someone and dig a hole. I love someone, I dig deeper. I still love. I miss her in spite of myself. I hate her. I love her. I love and hate everything that she is, …

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Refusing to conform…

I feel like… I really need a friend right now so I’m turning to the one thing that can’t reject me. My soul. My writing. Selective Mutism Disorder. Thinking back I had it when I was in kindergarten. But back then… disorders werent really disorders. Just behaviors people would chalk up to being socially inept or shy. I was in speech because I wouldn’t talk. But even as a little kid I knew… it wasn’t just because I wouldn’t talk. It was because I couldn’t. Words wouldn’t come out. I was silent. Unless I whispered in my teacher’s ear. I guess I trusted her. But I was always off by myself. And I was always getting my mom to come up there. A million different reasons. Stomachache was always the main one. I felt safe with her there. This guy used to punch me in my stomach almost everyday. Just once. But no-one believed me. My brother waited with me one day but he never showed. I guess I started to feel like I deserved …

Monique

BPD Voices Project: Monique

From the BPD Voices Project: I polish all the tools and skills I am armed with, to know that the feelings are only visitors. They come and go, even on days where I feel like they’ve made themselves at home and seem ready to move in. ‘They are only here for a short stay’ I whisper into my pillow. Never have anyone tell you your feelings aren’t real. They are as real as the sun rises every morning. Sometimes I am sad for no reason at all, but feeling sad doesn’t mean we will never be happy. Feelings are only feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. I am at peace with this cloak I have draped over my shoulders. I do not question its existence because I could search every corner of the universe and still be no closer to finding an answer. I don’t need an answer but I do need a solution. I have spent many years learning how to tame the beast inside me. Sometimes it’s just the tiniest of actions or …