Mary's Voice
Comment 1

A trip back and trying to carry on…

That feeling when you can’t breathe. And you can’t speak. And you lose strength as the tears fall. And you couldn’t even feel it coming. You just want them to stop except everything inside falls beneath your eyes instead… And sounds gently mutter out of your mouth as you try to pull it together because it’s time to get on a bus and go complete your task. Wipe away the tears but they keep falling. People staring.. Barely holding it together. You step on and you stare at your reflection and you see nothing. You feel nothing. Everything changing but everything the same. You think… And you can’t hold on anymore to that which isn’t there. So much that just isn’t there in your life anymore… And so much that never was… And so many more things being born and ready to prime in this undiscovered life of yours.. But so much pain before the rose blossoms.. So many emotions you just can’t understand. You’re judged and put in a box instead… of being recognized for being just as human as the next. To be able to say exactly how you feel fact for fact.. Validity shut down. Accused of looking for a blood bath, When all that was needed most? A little compassion and accountability so unfound. So unheard. Feeling below nothing. Compared and contrasted. Everywhere you turn. But by the ones you love.. to seal the deal. And you’re just done. You’re done. You’re done, trying to find an intersection where there is none. You were going to take the bus home but someone says they’re thirsty so you give them your bus fair and make the long walk home instead.. Because you know exactly how it feels to be so thirsty and then? You find yourself at the crosswalk and it says “go” … and your foot feels like it’s about to give out on you And its throbbing.. You hesitate for a moment and with that one moment of hesitation a car rounds the corner and just misses you. You get pissed off but suddenly you realize you’re angry not because they almost hit you.. but because they didn’t. Because you don’t want to suffer anymore. Just one quick blow and you could ‘ve been free.. But you feel you’re made to be trapped. Just to be so undeserving. You try and try to open another’s eyes… you call out to them wishing they would be there like they once used to be finally realizing.. they stopped being there a long time ago. This is how you felt when they walked into your life so long ago and interfered enough to save you now leaving you to die… Never realizing they are the reason you feel this way once again and they can’t even see why or how… but you choose to keep the sadness And you’re just so sick and tired of the ghost of what you once had …Just haunting and following you everywhere you go. But you finally realize… everything and everyone dies sometime. And where there is death there is birth. You make your way to your door and up to your apartment alone. You take a breath w the music in your ear the whole time… the only place you find yourself.. in the embedded lyrics in your heart. Swimming through your soul. You walk in and you exhale. You look around and you take another breath… for another day.. because somewhere deep inside, you know there is reason and purpose somewhere to keep going. You dismiss the despair and you smile. Because you made it home safely. And you look around once more realizing, everything you want could be in your reach for the taking. Just let the rest, go. And let yourself, in.

This entry was posted in: Mary's Voice

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I am a writer. I am an artist. I love people. And understanding human behavior has become a hobby. It becomes imperative when you're trying to understand your own. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. To me, it means many things. On some days it means the most extraordinary imagination one could have. On other days it means it is the absolute end of the world when that vision gets distorted and dismissed. Sometimes I feel like it is the best part of me and sometimes I feel like I wish I had never been born. Some days it is pure black and some days pure light. I have a daily battle to find my Grey; my middle ground. It is not just a diagnosis. It's a state of mind. But this is not all that I am. I am still discovering myself one wonder at a time.

1 Comment

  1. Monique Potter says

    I couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s like listening to a song and thinking it was written just for you. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

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