Mary's Voice
Comment 1

“From The Other Side” : Coming back

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I look back on my life and I realize that I have lost so many people. Many I have lost and I grieve over their deaths. And I would do anything to have them back again. But I know I can’t. The rest I lost because of me. So I say some things just aren’t in our control but the saddest of fact remains… some things are. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. And even though I know it is not my fault, that I have ended up this way… some of the dearest people I have ever known are just gone. By my own hand.. not physically of course but by my words. Words I can never take back. I was in a place of displacement. I had so much anger and resentment inside of me. Such pain. I looked for so many people to take it away so I would never have to feel it again. Any of it. Instead I caused them the pain and anguish that I, myself was feeling. So now I know I must move on. And accept the losses and take responsibility for it. Even in some of my worst times, I am still me. Although many would probably disagree. In my worst times is when I need you most. Lucky enough I have been reconnected with a lost love. She is not tolerant of me but accepting as I have learned to accept myself. Making mistake after mistake but making choices and learning from them. I have found someone who was just as lost as me. She has Borderline Personality Disorder too. Only the broken can truly understand the broken. I thought I was the only one who possessed such empathy. But I was wrong. There are many. So many people walk the same road that I do. And we are not walking alone. We just believe we are. But if seeing is believing then let me tell you… this is not the end. The book is just starting to get interesting. It’s not about the disorder. It’s about the person. Integrity is a funny thing. So is dignity but most importantly; character. I am a good person. And it has taken me 34 years of life to believe that to be true. If someone has dragged you into hell, never let them win. To succeed you don’t have to always make your mark. You just have to never stop trying. And if you need a break that is okay too. Just don’t ever give up the fight. I know it’s so hard and it feels so impossible, but it will be okay. I’ve tried to take my own life at least ten times and for some reason I survived and I am still here; just like I survived all of my abuse, and I am STILL here. Touching lives and letting them touch mine. Don’t give up. Your life is just starting. And me? I am coming back to life.

Because I choose to live. And you can too.

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I am a writer. I am an artist. I love people. And understanding human behavior has become a hobby. It becomes imperative when you're trying to understand your own. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. To me, it means many things. On some days it means the most extraordinary imagination one could have. On other days it means it is the absolute end of the world when that vision gets distorted and dismissed. Sometimes I feel like it is the best part of me and sometimes I feel like I wish I had never been born. Some days it is pure black and some days pure light. I have a daily battle to find my Grey; my middle ground. It is not just a diagnosis. It's a state of mind. But this is not all that I am. I am still discovering myself one wonder at a time.

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