Often there are times I feel like I just can’t go on. Going in spirals around myself. I get triggered. Lately it’s the slightest things and I’m in the “Bermuda Triangle”. Things out of my control. It feels like nothing is in my control. My feelings, my thoughts… just everything. Especially what happened to me. I can’t get it out of my head. I’d give anything to erase it, but I know I can’t. I’m waking up in cold sweats. Shortness of breath. Letters and numbers and flashes. All I remember. Broken shards of reflection from my brain. It won’t let me. Do I really want to remember? Who would? I become prone to shock inside my own fear. And there I am and I can not move. Does anyone else feel this way? How long to do I have to feel this?..
I used to self-medicate. I used to be prescribed anxiety medication. Now, I drink on occasion… but that’s it. Have I ever been this sober in my life? It’s different here in Louisiana. How is it that the one place I ran from is the one place that got me clean? And that’s great except now I can’t sleep. I don’t want to. I can’t stand the nightmares. It’s just me in the middle of what I thought was almost home. I am a ghost. And I’m going nowhere. Fast. Paralyzed.