Mary's Voice
Comments 3

“Spinning Out” : Not Always Grey



Having Borderline Personality Disorder absolutely drives me insane. In fact I’m sure that my disorder absolutely drives everyone else crazy too. Right when you start to think you’ve found that happy medium… some sort of balance… well right then is when it seems to fall the hell apart. I think… I’m good and just maybe the madness is finally ending. Except it never ends. It’s okay for a little while. But when it finally starts falling apart again it’s a downward spiral right back to black. There is not even white. It’s just not always Grey. No matter how much you wish it will be. First I explode once and then the dominoes just start tumbling like the speed of light. But just like it’s not always okay and certainly not always Grey… it’s not always bad either.  No matter how perfect the storm appears to be. So I lost control. What can I do? Try to make it right and do better. And just hope that next time you fall apart it wont be this bad and leave such wreckage. That’s all you can really do. Those that stay… well they stay and those that dont… probably aren’t meant to stay. The odds are that they were passing through for a while until they’ve taught you something valuable. I say it’s one of two things. True friendship and forgiving you… or true aquaintance and forgiving yourself. And moving on. Don’t ignore your own behavior and consequences but don’t beat yourself into the ground everyday either. Learn to be kind to yourself and you just might learn to be kinder to others. You can’t help what happens sometimes no matter how hard you try… we all fall short. So get back up, hold yourself accountable and stand tall. Lead with a better example by the lessons you learn, from yourself. And remember… it’s not always going to be Grey and that’s okay



This entry was posted in: Mary's Voice


I am a writer. I am an artist. I love people. And understanding human behavior has become a hobby. It becomes imperative when you're trying to understand your own. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. To me, it means many things. On some days it means the most extraordinary imagination one could have. On other days it means it is the absolute end of the world when that vision gets distorted and dismissed. Sometimes I feel like it is the best part of me and sometimes I feel like I wish I had never been born. Some days it is pure black and some days pure light. I have a daily battle to find my Grey; my middle ground. It is not just a diagnosis. It's a state of mind. But this is not all that I am. I am still discovering myself one wonder at a time.


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