Mary's Voice
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“Change Is Just Inevitable” : Keep Paddling To The Shore

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They say change is the hardest thing there is. Whether big or small… change is the only real constant in life. Without change there would be no evolution. No growth. Some people do not do well at all.  But for me, I accept change just not easily. Now that I am back in Louisiana, my new doctor wants to change my meds around even though in California we finally found a good combination of medication and therapy. But they do things differently here so I am fighting tooth and nail on the inside not to have a meltdown over this. I knew when I moved back it would be a big adjustment. And it has been. I am winging off of my anxiety medication and my moods are erratic. I am angry and irritated all of the time now but still using my self-soothing techniques to get through. These tools including listening to soft music, meditating, drawing, and of course writing… help me tremendously.  There are so many. Online support groups have proven to be the best support I have ever found. I do however still have my face to face therapy and groups. I am the little engine that could and nothing can stop me but me. I have a tub where I live now so relaxing hot baths have never felt better. I am not in the city of Long Beach, CA anymore so I can not take my walks as I used to. I am still staying in shape whenever and however possible. Sometimes I feel so neurotic with the slightest changes. I continue to do my volunteer work and it feels amazing to be a part of something so huge. Staying on a routine-basis is very healthy for me and when you stick a fork in it I bleed. And I’ve been bleeding, a lot. Not literally of course but internally bleeding from the inside out of your mind is sometimes worse than the literal feeling in itself. I’ve gone from calm and collective to fits and rage. Those around me who support and love me know not to take this personally but I of course know that personal or not, it’s not okay to blow up at people. So thankfully they are truly empathetic in knowing how hard these changes have been. I finally have the much needed support of my family but have learned that sometimes the greatest support can come from a stranger because there are no emotional ties. I’ve gone from city back to country. It’s peaceful but I miss the city. I miss the mountains and the ocean and my friends and self-reliant transportation. And I miss college. I am going to give it another go this Fall and hope for better results. When we fall, we can get back up. It’s been over a year and I am ready to try again. No matter how many times it takes and no matter what changes in the future I may face; I will continue, to persevere… instead of just surviving. I know if I can keep doing this, we all can. Just believe in yourselves and the rest will follow. And yes it sometimes unbearably difficult, but it is always worth it. And I am looking ahead to a future full of changes.

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I am a writer. I am an artist. I love people. And understanding human behavior has become a hobby. It becomes imperative when you're trying to understand your own. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. To me, it means many things. On some days it means the most extraordinary imagination one could have. On other days it means it is the absolute end of the world when that vision gets distorted and dismissed. Sometimes I feel like it is the best part of me and sometimes I feel like I wish I had never been born. Some days it is pure black and some days pure light. I have a daily battle to find my Grey; my middle ground. It is not just a diagnosis. It's a state of mind. But this is not all that I am. I am still discovering myself one wonder at a time.

2 Comments

  1. yep, change is hard, super hard for me. thanks for sharing what you are going through- I’ve always felt bad about not being able to handle stress/change/adding/subtracting in my life: dbt for my bpd has made a world of difference:: i’ll be doing the same as you mentioned during big change right now for me-self soothe, acknowledging emotions, sharing (with a few), getting out and out of my head. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to make this transition –i loved how you said not just surviving, but living. I’m with you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mary L. Whitaker says

    Thank you for your kind words. All I hope for is to find at least one person to reach and let them know they aren’t going through it alone and vice versa. You validate me as well. I truly am doing everything that I can. Again, thank you. I am with you too !

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