( I just woke up and I am in such a foul mood and I can’t make it go away. Where the hell did it come from? Why do I feel so angry?! So triggered. What the hell is wrong with me? I started writing yesterday and had this amazing piece. But the worst thing about writing on your phone is the copy and paste feature. Well I accidentally cut half of it. So I am trying to tie this in to my story. So here I go…Because I am in a rage. My thoughts are racing.. )
I just want to take a walk. Put my music in my ear and blare it and drown everything else out. I just want the voices to shut up. So, I was taught in DBT to smile anyway. Even if I don’t want to. That sometimes it will promote me to actually smile because I want to. Improve the moment. And so this works. Inhale slowly and exhale. Meditate. This was working. Not for long. It’s time for that walk. I go outside. I see so many people. I just give them a smile and I say hello. To almost everyone I pass. I am from the south and this is the way. I was raised with hospitality. But when I lived in California, they looked at me crazy as if no-one has ever greeted them so nicely before. Treated like an outcast and snarled at. Like a liar. Fake. And I think… what have they gone through? How were they raised? Why are they treating me this way? I am such a genuine person. Instead of getting pissed off, I would simply try to empathize with them. But still I am so angry. I would hope for the same courtesy. Do they not know what courtesy is? They look down on me more for being polite than being gay. It may be more accepted now but still stigmatic… What kind of world is this? Is it California really? Or is it just me. If I even mention I have Borderline Personality Disorder it’s downhill from there. The stigma never ends just for simply being who you are. Feeling so rejected just for being nice and craving the validation for doing so. Praise I never received? All these thoughts swirling around in my head so fast… too many… too much. All because I wanted to go for walk and decided to say hello. Welcome to a life of constant questions and no answers. This was not supposed to be my life except it is. So I guess I just have to roll with the punches… of my own mind. I’m consistently questioning my own worth. Not a day goes by that I don’t. No matter how much progress I ever make… it’s just never enough. Because at the end of the day… I believe the voices. And they hear not, as I try to fight them all off. These demons inside just won’t leave me alone. Valid has become nothing. And nothing, has become everything.