Mary's Voice
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“Unseen Divinity” : Hope

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Living with a disorder that makes you question every bit of your sanity is just insanity. Everyday I wake up and it’s the same battle. Do I even want to wake up? Is it even worth waking up? All it takes is the slightest thing to change that. I walk outside and the sun shines down on me, and suddenly I am in a state of Euphoria. It’s like God himself reaches down and touches my shoulder and says “Mary, it’s going to be a good day.” And so it is. the rest is uphill from there. But then there are the times when I wake from a nightmare and cold sweats and the devil grabs ahold of my tender soul and precedes to tell me I am nothing and I am worthless. Ironically someone else usually ends up telling me the same thing on the same day and from there I am just in hell. A hell I have created for myself. If you build the hell then you can navigate it right? No… once you fall into that hell you become lost in a sea of darkness and faces that all look like you but aren’t you. These of course are metaphors. There is an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Most of us have seen the cartoons. Everyday… this is my life. Is it yours? If it is, then thank God I am not alone. And I will just keep writing, because the words are written with an angel’s hands. My hands. And I will not allow anyone to make me feel lower than I am. Neither should you. Let your angel write for you.

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This entry was posted in: Mary's Voice

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I am a writer. I am an artist. I love people. And understanding human behavior has become a hobby. It becomes imperative when you're trying to understand your own. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. To me, it means many things. On some days it means the most extraordinary imagination one could have. On other days it means it is the absolute end of the world when that vision gets distorted and dismissed. Sometimes I feel like it is the best part of me and sometimes I feel like I wish I had never been born. Some days it is pure black and some days pure light. I have a daily battle to find my Grey; my middle ground. It is not just a diagnosis. It's a state of mind. But this is not all that I am. I am still discovering myself one wonder at a time.

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