Mary's Voice
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“Soul Wrenching” : Forgiving Yourself While Grieving Over Someone Else

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What does forgiveness feel like? Sound like? Look like? Do you even know? I know what it’s like to forgive myself and be kind to myself… But what do you when you’ve done that but you still can’t be forgiven by someone else? You don’t stop your progress. You do keep moving. The clock continues ticking. But damn it hurts so much. People change… Have I lost my touch? I’ve learned. But I guess bridges can’t be unburned. The tides can’t be unturned. And they are no longer concerned. It’s like a ghost that only you can see. You’re haunted and taunted by the friendship lost. That part of you is so lonely. You grieve but never completely. It’s because you hope and you pray and you wish for them to come back someday. That’s less than one day to me. Come back to me dear friend as you scream THAT to the sky! The screams become whispers and the whispers… become… nothing. Nothing can ever be done again. But that’s why. They are finished with you. They are done. And I am worn. From calling out to silence. That used to be my solace. With the forgiveness of self… comes inner peace. But they’ll never forget the outer beast. That was just out of reach… Damn. I hate having BPD.

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This entry was posted in: Mary's Voice

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I am a writer. I am an artist. I love people. And understanding human behavior has become a hobby. It becomes imperative when you're trying to understand your own. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. To me, it means many things. On some days it means the most extraordinary imagination one could have. On other days it means it is the absolute end of the world when that vision gets distorted and dismissed. Sometimes I feel like it is the best part of me and sometimes I feel like I wish I had never been born. Some days it is pure black and some days pure light. I have a daily battle to find my Grey; my middle ground. It is not just a diagnosis. It's a state of mind. But this is not all that I am. I am still discovering myself one wonder at a time.

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