Month: June 2015

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“Unstable Mind” : A Maze

I woke up this morning so nauseous. So anxious. It’s like broken shattered shards of glass internally immobilizing me. Waking up from nightmares and fears of abandonment with tears wanting to pour out except they won’t. Instead they bleed inward… as I feel like I’m drowning in my own emotions of not feeling good enough. Always feeling second. It feels like dying to me. But I know to most stable people it does not. I want to scream and shout. I want to fall into someone’s arms, anyone’s arms and be held until it feels okay again. But will it feel okay? Will it ever feel okay? Will I always be second guessing myself because of the past? I feel as though even without the past I was born this way. With attachment issues. I still have Selective Mutism. It comes and goes where I am just afraid to speak at all. And I can’t. That is when I feel myself writing. Writing until I feel okay again, just for a little while. I was …

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“Change Is Just Inevitable” : Keep Paddling To The Shore

They say change is the hardest thing there is. Whether big or small… change is the only real constant in life. Without change there would be no evolution. No growth. Some people do not do well at all.  But for me, I accept change just not easily. Now that I am back in Louisiana, my new doctor wants to change my meds around even though in California we finally found a good combination of medication and therapy. But they do things differently here so I am fighting tooth and nail on the inside not to have a meltdown over this. I knew when I moved back it would be a big adjustment. And it has been. I am winging off of my anxiety medication and my moods are erratic. I am angry and irritated all of the time now but still using my self-soothing techniques to get through. These tools including listening to soft music, meditating, drawing, and of course writing… help me tremendously.  There are so many. Online support groups have proven to be the best …

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Ask About BPD: Mental Illness Jokes

“I saw a post on a friend’s Facebook page. She posted a picture about OCD then ‘tagged’ a friend of hers followed by a laughing smiley emoticon. Obviously saying that her ‘friend’ was ‘so OCD!’ It infuriated me! And although I felt offended I didn’t comment. I have never seen this sort of thing actually posted by a friend of mine…but if it was related to a physical illness, surely there would be an outrage?” Mental illness as an adverb used to really infuriate me. This anger would inevitably lead me to post a verbal rant that was so strongly worded it would make anyone take notice. But when one of my outbursts led to the loss of a friend I sat myself down and asked, “Why is this such a trigger?” The answer was simple: When I see these “jokes” I feel invalidated and that others see my struggle as laughable. My struggle is not a joke. It’s real and it’s messed up! I wish we could have these people spend one day in …

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“Invalidity” : The Voices

( I just woke up and I am in such a foul mood and I can’t make it go away. Where the hell did it come from? Why do I feel so angry?! So triggered. What the hell is wrong with me? I started writing yesterday and had this amazing piece. But the worst thing about writing on your phone is the copy and paste feature. Well I accidentally cut half of it. So I am trying to tie this in to my story. So here I go…Because I am in a rage. My thoughts are racing.. ) I just want to take a walk. Put my music in my ear and blare it and drown everything else out. I just want the voices to shut up. So, I was taught in DBT to smile anyway. Even if I don’t want to. That sometimes it will promote me to actually smile because I want to. Improve the moment. And so this works. Inhale slowly and exhale. Meditate. This was working. Not for long.  It’s time for that …

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Schemas and Schema Therapy: The Basics

What are Schemas? A schema is a mental concept that informs a person about what to expect from a variety of experiences and situations. Schemas are developed based on information provided by life experiences and are then stored in memory. People use schemes to organize current knowledge, provide a framework for future understanding, and evaluate cause and effect. Schemas often dictate how we interact and predict social situations and interactions. They allow us to develop expectations about other people based on the social role they occupy. We develop expectations about other people’s behavior based on their personality traits and our past experience. We use schemas to develop “scripts” or ways of speaking, behaving, and responding to social interactions. Schema themselves are not bad. They are necessary to create and maintain a stable worldview. Schemas can become negative when they develop under maladaptive or negative situations. Maladaptive Schemas Early Maladaptive Schemas are our negative automatic thoughts or “life traps” we don’t consciously know exist. They are incredibly deeply rooted in us, are broad and complex, and …

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“Unseen Divinity” : Hope

Living with a disorder that makes you question every bit of your sanity is just insanity. Everyday I wake up and it’s the same battle. Do I even want to wake up? Is it even worth waking up? All it takes is the slightest thing to change that. I walk outside and the sun shines down on me, and suddenly I am in a state of Euphoria. It’s like God himself reaches down and touches my shoulder and says “Mary, it’s going to be a good day.” And so it is. the rest is uphill from there. But then there are the times when I wake from a nightmare and cold sweats and the devil grabs ahold of my tender soul and precedes to tell me I am nothing and I am worthless. Ironically someone else usually ends up telling me the same thing on the same day and from there I am just in hell. A hell I have created for myself. If you build the hell then you can navigate it right? No… …

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Ask About BPD: BPD Types

Original Question: I’ve heard there are types of BPD, like low functioning, high functioning, and translucent. And within these types there’s the “acting out BPD” and the “quiet BPD.” Exactly how many types are there and what are they? What are the differences?   It has been said that there are 256 possible combinations of the symptoms that make up BPD. Due to the extreme variance between what causes a person’s BPD (what type of trauma/trauma duration and severity, what kind of environment the person grew up in) it’s hard to know how their experience of BPD will manifest. Individuals with BPD will fit into different subtypes, ways of functioning, schema modes, and coping styles. They may also switch between a myriad of them throughout their lives. No one will ever fall neatly into any category completely. This is partly due to stressors and the environment we’re in and it’s also due to the experience of identity ambivalence in those of us with BPD. Theodore Millon came up with the following subtypes and said that …

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“Soul Wrenching” : Forgiving Yourself While Grieving Over Someone Else

What does forgiveness feel like? Sound like? Look like? Do you even know? I know what it’s like to forgive myself and be kind to myself… But what do you when you’ve done that but you still can’t be forgiven by someone else? You don’t stop your progress. You do keep moving. The clock continues ticking. But damn it hurts so much. People change… Have I lost my touch? I’ve learned. But I guess bridges can’t be unburned. The tides can’t be unturned. And they are no longer concerned. It’s like a ghost that only you can see. You’re haunted and taunted by the friendship lost. That part of you is so lonely. You grieve but never completely. It’s because you hope and you pray and you wish for them to come back someday. That’s less than one day to me. Come back to me dear friend as you scream THAT to the sky! The screams become whispers and the whispers… become… nothing. Nothing can ever be done again. But that’s why. They are finished …

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BPD Voices Project: Journey into an Unknown World

For The Voices Project My Journey Into an Unknown World During my high school years, events began to transpire. I used drugs, alcohol, seeked love & affection from boys that liked me, skipped classes and hung out with the wrong crowd which got me in a lot of trouble. I had my car taken away from me and I was placed once in indoor suspension. When my parents found out about the drugs, my mother took me to get evaluated at a place where I would have to stay for a certain period of time. That didn’t happen because the counselor felt all I needed was to see a therapist for my anger and temperament. My mother took me to one, it helped calm me down for the moment. I changed, became more mature, met a guy which my father had hired at our family-owned photography business at that time when I was seventeen. Three years later we got married. I had my two children 3 and 4 years after that and separated 4 years …