BPD Voices Project
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BPD Voices Project: Inside of a Vortex

“Inside Of A Vortex” : Fighting For The Beauty Within

I just wake up every morning wondering what the next downfall will be. It’s not an ideal way to live but it’s certainly how I live. I’m always trying to prepare for the next disaster- within myself and around others. I’m so positive all the time but really I am just a paradox built around fear. I go to bed every night just praying that one day I will awaken to a different life, a better life. Until then I weigh upon my shoulders my own emotions that once controlled me. They are always with me that is for sure. But the intellect inside of me will not be suppressed by these emotions all the time anymore. It’s like maintaining a double life sometimes. You have the life you lead by the example you make but then you have the life inside of you that no-one else can take. No-one else can understand. If they did try to understand they would probably end up questioning everything they thought they knew. I certainly have. Living with this disorder is not easy at all. And understanding it is even harder. But having it has challenged me in a way no other could ever fathom. I have reached the edges of hell a thousand times over and in the past tried to take my own life so many more. Only to learn.. I wanted the thought to die… not myself. One thing you learn though, is that not one of us deals the same or experiences the same and I know that. But we spend waking and sleeping moments waiting for just that one person to come along who stays… and never leaves. Someone who could do the exact thing for us we are willing to do for them. It gets so lonely sometimes to spend one life inside your mind and the other in your heart while there is an entire world of actual realities right in front of you. I just want to focus on all that is good.

 

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