BPD Voices Project
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BPD Voices Project: Myself

From the BPD Voices Project:

Can I speak about myself.
I’m amy wood, since being young I have always been “different”… I always longed for a Dad mum daughter family. But my parents were separated, I consistently was told “your mum did this.. Bla bla bla ” from the age of 8/9 then I asked her being told this by a dad loved dearly about a mum I love dearly too made me conflicted and it understand who to trust. When confronted my mum responded “that’s a load of crap he did this yanno… Bla bla bla” and so on… I then went through a rollercoaster relationship with my dad and it’s resulted in him severly mentally abusing me.
I now am scared to listen or believe any thing any one says no matter how close they are. There’s a side to me I don’t recognise, I have so much built up thrustration and have gone down bad paths to manage it. Alcohol from being 12/13 was my best friend. Then it was boys too older boys that filled the hole I had. Then after that is was self harm. Running away. I watched as I broke my family. Turned friends against myself calling me “attention seeker” etc. then because I felt my problems weren’t enough to be treated with care I began lying about things but things I felt I had been through (which I hadn’t) but I could feel the emotions and live it inside my head like it had happened. Then when I felt so tangled up in these lies I told someone I was then told i was ” evil” “liar” and definitely a “attention seeker”…
I often scare and loose people because talking about everything helps me just get it off my mind. Talking about it to any person helps so much. Someone saying I understand. What you went through was crap. Made me relieved feel good and normal again. But it’s caused me to loose people at which I take out on those closest to me and kind of place the blame on them, I try not to but I blank out and it’s like another person steps into my body and takes control.
I’ve often been told even by family to just be happy and get over it and I hope one day people realise that it’s not that simple. If you broke your leg and someone told you to just walk, could you? Would you? How would you feel? Bpd as every mental health illness is a illness inside you can’t see.
-Amy

 

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