BPD Voices Project
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BPD Voices Project: Open Letter to those I love

Letter to my friends, loved ones, fellow artists, fans, and anyone who has ever cared for me,
Sometimes I wish I could open up to people. I wish I wasn’t such a private person, that I didn’t have 5 million more thoughts than I voice. I wish that it wasn’t exhausting for me just thinking about all the people who care for me, who possibly feel that I neglect them, or worry because they’re never in the loop.
I do think about you all, you occur to me, as selfish as I may seem at times. Sometimes I may even be unreliable. Interpersonal relationships are such a double-edged sword for me. I want your love and support, but I fear your judgement and at times the dialogues I project in my head are so exhausting they leave me unable to speak, sometimes for fear of how you may judge me, sometimes for fear that you may love me and I will disappoint you.
This is the nature of my mind. These are my everyday thought processes. I worry sometimes so much that it makes me withdraw from the ones who worry about me. Sometimes my withdrawal causes me to worry about your opinions of me… “I haven’t gone out in weeks…Maybe people will assume horrible things about the way that I spent my time off from the world.” That worry turns into more worry about the way you may treat me when I return, making me worry about whether I should return. It turns into a mountain of unmanagable anxiety and I find myself frozen in fear, hiding from my own mental projections, persay. Set aside any real abuse I may endure on any given day.
The issue is deeper, yes, abuse, but not new abuse, only old scars that are torn open by slight occurences of real or percieved rejection or abandonment. This is something I have carried for years and please know I try.
Please know I don’t want to appear as a martyr or have you feel bad for me. All I ask is that you understand. Understand that it is harder than I make it look sometimes, only because I have practice at concealing it. Understand that I do care for you if I’ve ever spent more than 10 minutes talking to you. Understand that there are just days when I find it very difficult to muster the courage it takes to speak with someone for whom I care

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