Some may find this post triggering due to religious content and personal beliefs about healing and BPD.
BPD Pieces of Me does not endorse or support one religious tradition, but we do support everyone’s right to have their voice heard in the BPD Voices Project.
From The BPD Voices Project
Hi all my name is Emma
Growing up was not easy, I never felt like I belonged. I was a burden and never felt loved or accepted as I always got it wrong. I started to self-harm in my early teens and attempted suicide for the first time at the age of 18. I was prescribed anti-depressants and met with a counselor, but when she left I harmed myself more!
I suffered every form of mental illness and the effects were immense. I had an alcohol problem, a drug problem, OCD, eating disorder, relationship problems, anger issues, I used to steal and commit crime. I slept around, I rebelled against everything and everyone because I did not know what was wrong with me and I had no purpose. I did not know what true love was. I had no self-respect or compassion.
Years and years of Doctors, Counselors, pills and self-help Groups the same scenarios would reoccur. I would be in self-destruct mode whenever I couldn’t cope. I would self-medicate with street drugs, drink until I collapsed and end up in dangerous situations. Life was my enemy and I had no respect for it.
In my early 30’s after several events took place I started to see the effects of my life in my children’s lives. It was a wake-up call as, they were showing signs of mental illness too and it was distressing to see. I asked for help for them at their school and they received help, but I needed to accept I needed help as well.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at the age of 34 and was meeting with a Psychologist every week for over a year. I was told it was an illness I had to learn to live with through coping mechanisms, things got a little easier as I began to understand my behaviour but the torture in my head never left me and I took another overdose during therapy and was still doing wrong in society. There was improvement and although I would see signs of this I still could not find compassion or self-respect. One occasion I spoke with my Therapist and told him I was fine, he touched on something that had happened in my past and it was clear I was still in denial.
I joined a gym, I found this helped re-direct some of my anger, but I was anxious to go by myself as I was paranoid and self-conscious. I was at the doctors surgery in June 2012, when I saw an old friend. We exchanged phone numbers again! She got in touch and asked if she could come round for a catch up. We met and I told her of my desire to go to the gym, but couldn’t find a gym buddy! She said she had a membership for the same gym and needed a buddy too. I knew she had become a Christian many years ago and wanted to confront her about God as I had been praying and crying out to him all my life, and thought I was being punished for all the bad things I had done in my life.
We would meet sometimes 3 or 4 times a week and more and more I would ask her about God. Every question I had, she had an answer. I had wanted to go to church for years but with my illness I couldn’t cope with large amounts of people or noise, but I really felt the need to go. She invited me one Sunday and picked me up. I was so nervous.
I remembered being in the church building with my head down and making no eye contact, people were touching me and smiling and I felt so uncomfortable, I was thinking leave me alone in here to find out about God not people! The Bishop preached and said “No one is born with mental illness”, mental illness is not of God. Wow I thought, then a voice said to me, he’s trying to brain wash you, he’s mentally ill, they all are. But, I wanted to come back; it gave me somewhere to be. I used to be hung-over from the drugs and alcohol I had the night before but I still came back. My eyes were being opened.
I started to believe God was real and wanted better for me. He was talking to me through the preaching and it was too much of a coincidence not to be true. I gave up the drugs successfully and started to feel different. I wanted to adapt to church life a little more and felt respectful of my surroundings. I was faced with a situation with a church member and I took it back to my friend and after hours of tears and deliberation she turned to me and said “you’re ready”, I said ready for what? And she said I had got to a stage where I wanted to accept Christ into my life and live righteous.
I asked her to write out a prayer for me and I took it home. After a few more hours of thinking and listening to that small voice I went up to my bedroom on the night of February 17th 2013 and prayed the salvation prayer that my friend had written for me.
Straight away I felt something enter my body and from the sole of my feet to the crown of my head all the pressure and heavy feeling was lifted. I felt as though I was floating like an angel, I was smiling so much my cheeks were hurting. I was so happy and felt free and fresh. I had never ever felt like this before.
I told my friend the next day and she said I was a Christian. I couldn’t believe it, I was so happy. I met with the Bishop as I wanted to be baptized. He said I had to join the Evangelism Class and Bible Study and give up sin in my life, (drinking, smoking, men).
I agreed and he said the next baptism was on 17th March 2013. It all seemed too quick and I still believed I had mental illness and was doubting my decision.
They said in class whatever you ask of the Father he will do, this excited me, but I still had a voice telling me God wasn’t real and they were all brain washed!
I wanted to put God to the test. I remembered the sermon when the Bishop preached about no one is born with a mental illness. I already felt different after the Salvation Prayer but still didn’t know who God was and what he could do for me. I decided to pray and see what God was made of.
This is the prayer I prayed.
“God you created me, you know my strengths and weaknesses so you know I need reassuring. I believe you are real and I’ve put my trust in you. I love you, but please you need to heal me and take away my mental illness. God if you do this for me I will spend the rest of my life on Earth 100% committed to your Word and will do what you want of me. You know that people will use this illness against me and try to discourage me from you. Please God give me the strength and words to prove to my
Psychologist that I am healed and no longer need therapy that I feel compassion and self-worth and I am finally happy within. If you do this Lord I will do whatever you ask of me, if I don’t you can take my life. In the name of Jesus. Amen.”
The day came when I had my appointment with my psychologist I prayed again that the Holy Spirit took over.
I entered the room and I was not in control. It was as though I was looking at myself and thinking wow who is this strong, confident women, my body language was different, I didn’t know what was happening but I let the Holy Spirit lead me.
My Therapist started the session and this voice came from within. I spoke and spoke and spoke, then a voice said to me, be quiet now and listen. Wait to reply. I could see my Therapist face – he looked shocked and I had never seen him stuck for words, he reminded me of the time I said I was better and I wasn’t, and why would it be different this time? The Holy Spirit gave me the words to answer. After my Therapist replied, I said these words – “be honest with me is there anything I need to come back for that will help me overcome this mental illness.”
He paused and said “no, not that I can see but will see you in a couple of months to see if everything still stands.” “Thank you Jesus I was saying under my breath.” I shook my Therapists hand and thanked him for all he had done.
I spoke about this in my evangelism class and was told I had made a covenant with God. I just wanted to serve God and tell everyone how great He is. I finally believed He was real. Man told me I was mentally ill and would be forever, God told me I was not born this way and by his stripes I was healed. No one can tell me God is not real and that Jesus never died for our sins. I still had to go back and prove my healing to be discharged from the Mental Health System.
I prayed about it and once again I let the Holy Spirit lead. I know God was in charge as I said to my therapist – please can you type me a letter and he asked what I wanted in it. He then said to me “You want to use it as a testimony”.
“Wow” I said “yes I do, I want to show people with Mental Illness that they can overcome it and they are worth so much more” .
My therapist discharged me as he felt there was no need to continue the therapy. He was confident that after so many years of mental torture and self destruct I was now a free confident women. Hallelujah! Christ came and rescued me. My therapist did not necessarily attribute to my total recovery to Jesus’ salvation power, but the irrefutable evidence of connection was there demonstrating that faith in God does work.
God told me my testimony will save souls and already it has, many seeds have been planted, I have a calling on my life and God is using my experience to bring people out of mental slavery and lead them to Christ and to let them know God is alive and is here for all that believe and want him. He is A Healer, A Provider, A Deliverer, and A Strong Tower. Without Him we are powerless.
The day I saw my friend at the doctors surgery He told her my calling and my gift – she revealed this to me after God revealed it to me. So much has happened since 17th February 2013, my life is restored, I no longer exist I am living. I have a purpose. I have love, peace, and compassion, all the fruits of life are growing and to God be the glory. My passion is to save souls and preach the gospel. To teach the world about the God who created Heaven and Earth that is the same today as He was yesterday and will always be.
Please be encouraged by my testimony, let it give you and others hope. To know that if you have breath you have a purpose. God created you in his own image; even the hairs on your head are numbered. You are His Masterpiece.