Why am I so furious? Nothing’s happened. He said one little thing and I feel isolated in my own mind. I can’t breathe. Oh god I’m loosing control. Stop! Stop! Please stop! I can’t. Butterflies with needles at the tips of their wings flutter inside me. It hurts. Even when you touch me to calm me down feels like hot sick down my arms. Don’t touch me! These tears, flowing aggressively down my cheek burn my skin. They taste like sorrow. “It’s not the end of the world.” Oh god here it comes again. Like a tsunami of darkness I am consumed by my own mind again. Telling me, well of course it isn’t the end of the world. It might as well be for me though when I feel the pain of my own despair. “Just calm down” Ok. Ok. Like the straps of a backpack I’ll just grip in my head calm. Here I go. Gripping and ready…….Calm. Wait. How do you calm? What’s calm??? Oh no. I can’t calm down. I think one of my straps broke. Ok ok I just need to think of happy things, like the first night we ever hung out, oh that was bliss. Why did the other strap just break? I’m becoming filled with grief. I feel like I lost a loved one. I miss that night, I wish I could just go back and relive it. What if we will never be happy like that again?! The hopelessness is setting in. Frantically searching for anything to just make it stop! “Shannon seriously, I’m done with this.” NO!!! I’M SORRY!!! Don’t walk away! Don’t leave me! The despair has turned into full fledged desperation. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. It’s all RED. Where am I? I can’t find myself in this madness. My own personal insanity. Wait! I’m calming down! (That’s a lie) this point calm won’t break through the chains of derangement. It hurts. My eyes feel like someone has hit me in both of them. My cheeks feel over stretched as if I was laughing at something for a longer period of time. My insides feel like knots. Hard knots. I just want the anger to go away. “Please help me!” I say “please make it stop!” How do you fix something you can’t see broken? What sort of cast do you put on a brain till whatever’s broken off seals back? “Did you take your meds?” “I’m so sorry, I was so busy today that I forgot.” After swallowing about 10 different things a rush of drowsiness and becoming numb instantly takes over. Like it never happened. Like it never was. The day can now go on. With no issues. As long as those meds are taken, to cast my broken brain, then all is well. But then……who am I really? Am I really just a banshee without mercy willing to prey on anyone and anything. Or did something snap and the meds make me who I really am? But I feel so sluggish. So cold. So without emotion. Is that me? Who am i?
Where’s your voice?