BPD Voices Project
Comments 3

BPD Voices Project: The Pill

The pill

Why am I so furious? Nothing’s happened. He said one little thing and I feel isolated in my own mind. I can’t breathe. Oh god I’m loosing control. Stop! Stop! Please stop! I can’t. Butterflies with needles at the tips of their wings flutter inside me. It hurts. Even when you touch me to calm me down feels like hot sick down my arms. Don’t touch me! These tears, flowing aggressively down my cheek burn my skin. They taste like sorrow. “It’s not the end of the world.” Oh god here it comes again. Like a tsunami of darkness I am consumed by my own mind again. Telling me, well of course it isn’t the end of the world. It might as well be for me though when I feel the pain of my own despair. “Just calm down” Ok. Ok. Like the straps of a backpack I’ll just grip in my head calm. Here I go. Gripping and ready…….Calm. Wait. How do you calm? What’s calm??? Oh no. I can’t calm down. I think one of my straps broke. Ok ok I just need to think of happy things, like the first night we ever hung out, oh that was bliss. Why did the other strap just break? I’m becoming filled with grief. I feel like I lost a loved one. I miss that night, I wish I could just go back and relive it. What if we will never be happy like that again?! The hopelessness is setting in. Frantically searching for anything to just make it stop! “Shannon seriously, I’m done with this.” NO!!! I’M SORRY!!! Don’t walk away! Don’t leave me! The despair has turned into full fledged desperation. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. It’s all RED. Where am I? I can’t find myself in this madness. My own personal insanity. Wait! I’m calming down! (That’s a lie) this point calm won’t break through the chains of derangement. It hurts. My eyes feel like someone has hit me in both of them. My cheeks feel over stretched as if I was laughing at something for a longer period of time. My insides feel like knots. Hard knots. I just want the anger to go away. “Please help me!” I say “please make it stop!” How do you fix something you can’t see broken? What sort of cast do you put on a brain till whatever’s broken off seals back? “Did you take your meds?” “I’m so sorry, I was so busy today that I forgot.” After swallowing about 10 different things a rush of drowsiness and becoming numb instantly takes over. Like it never happened. Like it never was. The day can now go on. With no issues. As long as those meds are taken, to cast my broken brain, then all is well. But then……who am I really? Am I really just a banshee without mercy willing to prey on anyone and anything. Or did something snap and the meds make me who I really am? But I feel so sluggish. So cold. So without emotion. Is that me? Who am i?

– Shannon
USA

#BPDVoicesProject
Where’s your voice?

3 Comments

  1. josie says

    I have bever seen somelne articulate the exact same explosion as I get so regularly. Right up until the meds part, I wish I had one that could just make it stop. Thank you for writing this, for articulating it.

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  2. Koen says

    Hey Melanie,

    Just finished reading your post and it really got to me. I recently found out I have symptoms of BPD and it put a lot of exclamation marks where question marks used to be. But next to that it raised even more questions. Sometimes Im aware that I should just stop destroying the people I love but I just cant. The weaknesses of me they so accurately bring to the light opens up an anger in me that I almost cannot stop. After these bursts I’m usually left feeling full of emptiness and regret. Its crazy because I knew what I was getting into but still couldnt restrain myself from holding back my thoughts/feelings. It scares me so much and Ive always been affraid of dying alone so im wondering what your feelings are on this subject. I dont want to hurt these people but I feel so misunderstood sometimes. Things tend to strike harder with me then with other people. Im in distress and I could use some guidance, do you have any advise perhaps? Greetings Koen

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    • Hi Koen, Thank you for your beautifully expressed comment. I think most of us have felt this struggle at some point, but I want to say that it’s not a issue of opposites. Even though you experience BPD you can have healthy relationships! CBT/DBT therapy works to change the underlying and unconscious actions/reactions we have to distress. Once we learn new patterns of thought and behavior we can then establish healthy relationships. It can be frightening to undertake this process, and at times you may feel it is not working, but in the end you will find that you won’t feel so afraid of new relationships or of hurting others.

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