From the BPD Voices Proejct:
What do you mean by healed?
-No longer meeting the criteria. Ana
In 2009 I attempted suicide for the 2nd time. It was after this I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar.
I accepted this diagnoses, and embraced it.
I now had a reason, an excuse.
Being diagnosed explained my reckless behaviour, the drugs, the drinking and the longing for someone to love me, anyone to love me.
I was a single mother to one, in and out of relationships, changing my image to meet the people who were in my life at the time. I had friends and partners come and go, and always had people around me, but I never felt more alone. I became withdrawn in my own personal hell, and did what I could to ease the pain I felt daily.
In 2012 I met someone who would change my life.
I met someone who would make me see that I wasn’t in a healthy place. Someone who still wanted to hold me after I screamed, cried, hurt myself and tried to push them away. We got married, and I fell pregnant with my daughter.
In the beginning of 2013 something triggered me.
I felt like I was watching myself. I would scream, and shout, and lock myself away so the children didn’t see me fall apart.
I didn’t want to have to hide.
I didn’t want to feel like this anymore.
I had two gorgeous children and a husband that loved me unconditionally.
I walked out of the room determined to change.
Even if I was never going to be better, at least I tried. At least my children would see me fighting. I went to my doctors, begged for any sort of help, and promised myself that I would keep at it.
I was never one for therapy. I never stuck to it. Blamed the therapists, doctors and social workers. It was always them. They were never supportive enough.
But this time would be different. This time I would go into it with an open mind. I took my medication everyday. I went to every therapy session. I practiced meditation and mindfulness. I took part in CBT fully and have now completed my 8 sessions.
I will complete my coping skills program in January. Once completed, I will be referred to psychotherapy. This program involves DBT, which has been my goal from the beginning.
I have realized that doing the therapy they suggest, sticking to it and showing progress has made my referral for DBT stronger. It has shown that I want to get better, and I want to work hard at it.
I changed not only my life, but also my life style. I practiced good eating habits. I went for walks. I started taking me time. But most important I breathed.
Oh how just breathing helped! To acknowledge the feelings, but having the strength to let them float on by.
Therapies may help some, and others may respond differently, but a big part of it is wanting it.
It’s wanting to heal.
It’s wanting to try anything at all to not feel that pain anymore. It’s about opening your mind. Realizing that the past won’t change, “that you can’t ride the wave, but you can learn to surf” – Jon Kabat-Zinn
It’s been almost a year since I’ve allowed myself to be triggered. I’ve found my own hobbies, and I am fully there as a wife and mother. I’ve learnt valuable skills that have allowed me to cope better in ways I never imagined.
As 2014 ends, I look back on how far I’ve come, and the work I’ve put in.
It’s slowly sinking in that my CBT therapist said she no longer feels I meet the criteria of BPD.
Even though it has been hard and emotionally exhausting I learned you can heal, you can get better, you just have to put the sweat and tears in, because what I feel now? Is calm, at peace and excited about my future.
In the New Year I start psychotherapy. I also start university. I’m studying heath and social care, specializing in Mental Health, because if anything, I can help those who find themselves in a dark place.
If you would like to submit to the BPD Voices Project Please contact us via blog the contact form that the end of this blog.
Where’ your voice?