Year: 2015

A trip back and trying to carry on…

That feeling when you can’t breathe. And you can’t speak. And you lose strength as the tears fall. And you couldn’t even feel it coming. You just want them to stop except everything inside falls beneath your eyes instead… And sounds gently mutter out of your mouth as you try to pull it together because it’s time to get on a bus and go complete your task. Wipe away the tears but they keep falling. People staring.. Barely holding it together. You step on and you stare at your reflection and you see nothing. You feel nothing. Everything changing but everything the same. You think… And you can’t hold on anymore to that which isn’t there. So much that just isn’t there in your life anymore… And so much that never was… And so many more things being born and ready to prime in this undiscovered life of yours.. But so much pain before the rose blossoms.. So many emotions you just can’t understand. You’re judged and put in a box instead… of being recognized …

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“From The Other Side” : Coming back

I look back on my life and I realize that I have lost so many people. Many I have lost and I grieve over their deaths. And I would do anything to have them back again. But I know I can’t. The rest I lost because of me. So I say some things just aren’t in our control but the saddest of fact remains… some things are. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. And even though I know it is not my fault, that I have ended up this way… some of the dearest people I have ever known are just gone. By my own hand.. not physically of course but by my words. Words I can never take back. I was in a place of displacement. I had so much anger and resentment inside of me. Such pain. I looked for so many people to take it away so I would never have to feel it again. Any of it. Instead I caused them the pain and anguish that I, myself was feeling. So now I know I must move …

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BPD Voices Project: When we Meet Again

When we meet again by Melanie Carrillo When we meet again you will say hello I will hear goodbye. When we meet again you will say I look lovely I will hear I have gotten old. When we meet again you will talk for hours about nothing I will pretend every word I hear is deep and profound. When we meet again you will say I love you I will hear I promise to love you for a little while, on my terms, or not at all. When we meet again I will know it is you who have gotten old Know we have become nothing but absent minded words and false love. So I leave saying Until we meet again. When we meet again, you will say it’s been too long I will hear I have changed. When we meet again, you will say how beautiful I am I will hear you see things anew. When we meet again you will ask me to talk for hours about nothing I will hear every response …

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Ask About BPD: The Drama Triangle

Ask about BPD: Parenting Relationships I was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago. I believe my mother also has BPD, but is undiagnosed. We have a really rocky relationship, but my daughter loves her grandmother so much. Do you have any tips on how I can improve my relationship with my mother? I think this is a question we have all asked ourselves at some time or another. For some of us this question applies to our mothers, others to our fathers. I will explore what I’ve come to understand in regards to having a relationship with a parent experiencing BPD. I can list many things that play a part in the complexity of the situation: BPD Parenting Style. If you are unaware of BPD Parenting Styles here is an article that explains them. Emotional Age Maintaining Realistic Expectations Setting Boundaries The list goes on and on, but it does not get to the heart of the situation: The Drama Triangle and its role in dysfunctional families. The Drama Triangle The Drama Triangle was developed by …

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“Ghost Of Myself” : Paralyzed

Often there are times I feel like I just can’t go on. Going in spirals around myself. I get triggered. Lately it’s the slightest things and I’m in the “Bermuda Triangle”. Things out of my control. It feels like nothing is in my control. My feelings, my thoughts… just everything. Especially what happened to me. I can’t get it out of my head. I’d give anything to erase it, but I know I can’t. I’m waking up in cold sweats. Shortness of breath. Letters and numbers and flashes. All I remember. Broken shards of reflection from my brain. It won’t let me. Do I really want to remember? Who would? I become prone to shock inside my own fear. And there I am and I can not move. Does anyone else feel this way? How long to do I have to feel this?.. I used to self-medicate. I used to be prescribed anxiety medication. Now, I drink on occasion… but that’s it. Have I ever been this sober in my life? It’s different here in …

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“WILDFIRE”

These wounds are not Wounds you can see But still They are inside of me So sealed Only I can see Unfulfilled It’s treachery Burning my skin so deep Yearning for a memory to keep Show me a sign And I’ll show you the words You say it’s benign I say you’re all absurd I’m still crying And so unheard Living but dying Like a broken – winged bird Trying to find strength To fly again Searching for length To try again Flapping Up and down Trapping me At the slightest sound The little fears Keep coming around Followed by tears Kicking me down And no-one Hears a sound The tree falls And I am crippled The little bird calls And the drops of blood are trickled No-one sees at all It’s just too fickle. You can’t hear the fall But I feel the thistle. And it’s madness. Like a wild fire…

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“Firewall” : Tic Toc

  I feel sad, but I feel numb. If I feel numb, how can I feel at all? Is the only reality I’m to know just filled with philosophy and metaphors instead of reality at all? Is the life in my head the only one there truly is? I’ve become the Quiet Borderline. It’s all internal from here. No more lashing… or hurting with my words. No more words at all. Just existing. This is my world. Trying to live in it instead of just existing but ALWAYS, falling short. Always falling period. Straight into the middle of a whirlpool and into another dimension where NOTHINGNESS is all I become. How is that fair? I didn’t ask for even more abuse or to be re-traumatized. I certainly didn’t deserve it. Or did I? I was finally okay again. I was finally okay. And now, I may never know okay again… just floating and drowning at the same time, being sucked away. Lifeless. It’s been 4 months. Why does it still feel like 4 seconds? I …

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“MAKE-UP”

   I feel like it’s the end, then the beginning And I’m all over the place I feel like I am just spinning In an empty space One minute, I am winning Now I am losing the race I thought I was grinning But I cannot embrace This is just a headache That I cannot erase I look for the break But I fall to my face I’m running towards the line But does it exist? I thought I was just fine But I have bleeding wrists Tell me it’s just a dream So I can wake up Life can’t be this mean There must be a hiccup Is this what it seems? Can I have a make-up?

BPD PArents

BPD Parenting Types

BPD Parenting Types and Their Affects on Children *Trigger Warning When discussing BPD parents it is important to note that the extreme examples in this article are reflective of individuals who do not recognize their behavior as disruptive. They are unaware of their experience of BPD and how they are passing maladaptive behaviors on to their children. When we step back and look at their behavior as maladaptive patterns and traits we often separate the individual from the disorder. This “stepping back” can look clinical or cruel, but in identifying these patterns of behavior we can see the implicit and explicit effects they have on others. The language used in this article is meant to identity patterns of parenting behavior that lead to disruption in their children’s ability to function as a whole adult. Why Understanding Parenting Types is Important Parenting types are a large part of who we are and who we ultimately become, and the long term effects of any parenting style is important to understand. Children that have a parent(s) who experiences …

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Living with BPD: Setting Personal Boundaries Part 1

Living with BPD: Setting Personal Boundaries Part 1 Setting personal boundaries can be very difficult and frightening. Our fear of abandonment makes us not want to offend anyone. Our inner voice calls us names and makes us question our motives. We can feel like setting boundaries is a symptom of the pushing and pulling that comes with experiencing BPD. Sometime it feels like it is easier to say yes than deal with the internal consequences of saying no. Or is it? Although we are often stereotyped by our outbursts, what people don’t see is what is happening inside. We want to please others. We want to feel connected, loved. In an effort to be everything others want us to be we live a life without boundaries. Weak boundaries leave us likely to be taken advantage of, and/or even damaged by others. Setting clear personal boundaries is necessary to have mutually respectful, supportive and caring relationships. They set the limits for what you deem acceptable behavior from those around you. “You change for two reasons: Either …